Saturday, January 29, 2011

Feels like another life...

I was pregnant in this picture. It felt like a dream. I felt like I was glowing, just like the sunshine around me in this photo. feels like that was another life. Did that really happen? Was I seriously really pregnant?? Pregnant! -a word I never thought would be part of my identity and experience. And then did our baby really die? Did we actually live through that??? It feels worlds away. And yet... the pain is just right here, choking my throat and throbbing my heart and stealing my sleep. Today marks 4 months since we said goodbye to baby.

Our latest- We're facing several very big decisions about our future- related to a house, job- but mostly concerning growing our family and how we go about doing that. They are very weighty decisions that won't be easy to make and that aren't clear cut. We know the #1 thing we must do is wait on the Lord and let him be our guide. I know I can't let fear or impatience be the driving force behind our decisions, but I really have to battle against that every day. And of course I wish we weren't back in this place again making these sorts of decisions, because I just wish our baby was still with us.

I see how the Lord is growing me though and strengthening my faith again and giving me the ability to trust him with some things that I totally wasn't willing to before. Seeing progress is encouraging when it seems like so much of the rest of our lives is on pause. I know that I don't know how God is going to grow our family. But I want to be open to whatever his will is for us. And in his grace I see him leading me more and more to that place of openness. I'm so thankful I have a loving, gentle shepherd to lead me to wherever we're going.


1 comment:

  1. I will be praying that God leads you in the direction that is according to His will and that He will make all decisions very clear to you. Thinking about you during this time!
    Jamie Maddox