As you can see it has been ages since I've written on here. I told one friend that I just sorta lost the oomph to write when it felt like all there was to say was "We're still waiting. It still sucks." Which is still true, but I figured I should break the silence and post a little update anyway.
We're approaching our 10th month of waiting for a birthmother to choose us to adopt her baby. They told us the average wait could be a year but of course I got it in my mind that there was no way it would take that long. Ha. Ha ha. Oh boy. Other couples from our adoption classes were seriously matched within 2 weeks though so maybe that's what especially got my hopes up. The agency has assured us there's nothing "wrong" that can explain why a birthmom hasn't chosen us yet. It's just not the right match yet and that's all. God is in control of the process so we trust that it's just not his time yet. That's not an easy pill to swallow, but I take comfort in the sovereignty of God because at least HE knows the plan and HE knows when it all will happen.
The other bit of update that I don't really have the heart to share completely, but will try, is that last month we were chosen by a birthmom, spent time with her over the course of 3 weeks, seriously felt like it could not have been going better and like it was our dream-match come true because we all were just clicking and things were so amazing.....only to then hear that she was probably changing her mind about us 2 weeks before the baby was born. And after a very veeeeery long 2 weeks in which we had to wait for her "final" decision, she chose a family that was local to her instead of us who were an hour and 1/2 drive away. It was horrible to say the least. We were so heartbroken, confused, angry, sad, disappointed. We had heard of failed adoptions and had definitely hoped we didn't have to go through that....and yet there we were right in the middle of the mess. I can say now, a month later, that we learned a lot about the match process and dealing with a birthmom and grew closer in our marriage. Most important of all, God drew me even closer to him through my brokenness and hurt and walked me through some seriously amazing revelations about how he works and who he is.
So as we get closer and closer to waiting a whole year for our baby, and after going through this loss and heartbreak, I see more and more how this whole process is about our hearts. Yes it's about us having a baby in our arms to love and cherish more than words can describe. But God is working something so much bigger and deeper than that. He lead us in to this process not just so we can have our child, but so he can have our hearts in a more real and tender way than ever before.