Monday, June 25, 2012

Waiting and waiting and waiting and......

As you can see it has been ages since I've written on here. I told one friend that I just sorta lost the oomph to write when it felt like all there was to say was "We're still waiting. It still sucks." Which is still true, but I figured I should break the silence and post a little update anyway.

We're approaching our 10th month of waiting for a birthmother to choose us to adopt her baby. They told us the average wait could be a year but of course I got it in my mind that there was no way it would take that long. Ha. Ha ha. Oh boy. Other couples from our adoption classes were seriously matched within 2 weeks though so maybe that's what especially got my hopes up. The agency has assured us there's nothing "wrong" that can explain why a birthmom hasn't chosen us yet. It's just not the right match yet and that's all. God is in control of the process so we trust that it's just not his time yet. That's not an easy pill to swallow, but I take comfort in the sovereignty of God because at least HE knows the plan and HE knows when it all will happen.

The other bit of update that I don't really have the heart to share completely, but will try,  is that last month we were chosen by a birthmom, spent time with her over the course of 3 weeks, seriously felt like it could not have been going better and like it was our dream-match come true because we all were just clicking and things were so amazing.....only to then hear that she was probably changing her mind about us 2 weeks before the baby was born. And after a very veeeeery long 2 weeks in which we had to wait for her "final" decision, she chose a family that was local to her instead of us who were an hour and 1/2 drive away. It was horrible to say the least. We were so heartbroken, confused, angry, sad, disappointed. We had heard of failed adoptions and had definitely hoped we didn't have to go through that....and yet there we were right in the middle of the mess. I can say now, a month later, that we learned a lot about the match process and dealing with a birthmom and grew closer in our marriage. Most important of all, God drew me even closer to him through my brokenness and hurt and walked me through some seriously amazing revelations about how he works and who he is.

So as we get closer and closer to waiting a whole year for our baby, and after going through this loss and heartbreak, I see more and more how this whole process is about our hearts. Yes it's about us having a baby in our arms to love and cherish more than words can describe. But God is working something so much bigger and deeper than that. He lead us in to this process not just so we can have our child, but so he can have our hearts in a more real and tender way than ever before.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

not it

The birth-parents I wrote about earlier- they did not choose us. There are some complicating factors and drama surrounding that situation that our case worker shared with us that left a small possibility that we could maybe possibly be chosen if some things fell through. Not holding our breath at all though. And we're really ok with it all. I am really hoping that we don't have to be drug through that process too many more times though! Sheesh. God's grace is with us and he's holding up our faith so that we can trust in His good plan. We know he has something wonderful in store that will come soon. His grace sustains.


Thursday, December 8, 2011

hope beyond the visible

Having a sad day today. This article was the soul-food I needed. Thank you Jesus for being my hope.

Love this quote:
"God was not done when Noah was in the boat, Sarah was barren, Joseph was in prison, Moses was on the run from Pharaoh, the children of Israel were pinned against the Red Sea, the walls of Jericho blocked possession of the promised land, Gideon was hiding from the Midianites, Samson was seduced by a woman and blinded, Ruth was widowed, David was mocked as a boy facing a giant, Job’s children were all killed, government officials persecuted Daniel, Jonah was in the belly of a fish, Paul couldn’t get rid of his thorn, and Jesus was put in the grave. God is not done!
Hope is not undone, because he is not done!"   Sam Crabtree


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

fresh tears

Tonight I shared my "life story" in the new small group we're part of. When I got to the part about losing our baby I totally lost it. I was surprised at myself and I think Ryan was surprised too. A few reasons why: I sorta never cry in front of other people. Not that I stifle it, but I just sorta am able to keep it together usually. Also, I realized I hadn't talked about that experience as a "story" in a really long time. Explaining all the events all together was really emotional. I haven't cried over it in a while. And also.....I realized how much I miss that little one. I'm so excited about our soon-coming-child that I guess I don't think about our other baby as much as I used to. (That makes me sad to realize that.) But talking about them in the context of my entire life and everything that we went through- it was just really sad and I felt so sharply that longing to have them with us right now. I wish the baby we're expecting through adoption was going to be kiddo #2 in this house. I wish they could grow up together...that we could all be together here.

Oh precious one how we miss you! We're so thankful for those 8 short weeks we had with you. Our hearts break all over again wishing you were here. You changed our lives forever. In my heart you'll always be "our first baby". I can't wait to meet you in our forever home. Your Mama and Papa love you so much.