Thursday, September 30, 2010


We lost our baby this morning.

I'll write the full story later- it involved 2 trips to the ER, one via ambulance- traumatic experience. We're home now, resting and talking this through. We're so thankful for the amazing support network we have of friends and family near and far offering love and prayers and also meals and visits when we're ready.

Since it just happened last night/this morning it hasn't really had time to sink in yet and I know it will take time to process, mourn and heal and will be up and down. Words can't express how thankful I am for my husband and the strong and tender support he is to me- as well as feeling the weight and sadness of it himself. We're going through this together and know it is strengthening us even more.

Please pray for us as we go through this and face the road ahead.


Friday, September 24, 2010

Cat barf and baby bonding

Last night a monster migraine crept up, stayed with me through the night, and was raging full-force this morning. This was the kind that hurt so bad it made it hard to talk or open my eyes. I crawled out of bed and pathetically sat on the couch with my eyes closed and could hardly respond to my sweet husband who was trying to help me in some way. I've battled migraines since high school so it's not all that unusual for me, but being pregnant I can't zap it away with pain reliever. And tylenol, which is ok to take in small doses during pregnancy, does absolutely nothing for any type of pain I have so it's next to useless to even take it. Besides that, we'd given our last remaining tylenol to our neighbor a few days ago who needed to "borrow" some. So I was in total misery with absolutely nothing available to really help me. Since I was pretty much comatose and not really responding to the kind ways my husband wanted to try to help me feel better (food? no. ice pack? no. anything? no. poor guy.) he left to run something to his work.

While he was gone I realized I was also feeling nauseous. Couldn't tell if it was migraine-nausea or preggo-nausea. Great- another symptom I can't do anything about. Then......the cat starts barfing. First I just hear the horrific heaving sounds and then I see her actually do it right by the front door. Then she comes over closer to me and proceeds to finish off on the rug, with more gagging-puking sounds. This makes me start to gag and I can't stand the sight of the barf pile either so I have to leave the room and go to the bedroom. I call Ryan to warn him not to come in the front door or else he'll get quite the foot-full, and I politely tell him he needs to clean it up when he gets here because I'm about to lose it myself.

*Deep breaths. Think about something else. Stop replaying the sounds of the cat barfing. Keep breathing.*

So I never threw up, Ryan came home and cleaned up the cat mess, and I got rid of my migraine by drinking a small cup of caffeinated coffee. Miraculous!!! But the rest of the day I was wiped out and my stomach was so weird. We had planned a date day- lunch at Wildflower, browse Changing Hands bookstore, then go see Get Low at Camelview. Thankfully the nausea was the kind that got better when I ate so I was fine after lunch. It was a lovely day, but I was dragging so hard and just wanted to sit down everywhere we went. In Changing Hands I camped out in the kids section because of a nice upholstered bench and my body was just saying: SIT! Going to the movies was perfect because it was dark and cool and the seat was comfy and all I had to do was sit there! :) By the way, Get Low is a wonderful movie. Great themes, wonderful acting, and a very quality film overall. We hardly ever go to the movies, so it means a lot that we actually paid the dough to see this one.

When we walked out of the movies Ryan put his hand on my tummy- where our little 7 week blueberry-sized baby grows- and said 'That was your first movie, baby!" He's been doing that lately with the baby- first time to the lake by our apartment, first time to the beach and the zoo on my birthday trip, first time eating curry etc. Ryan talks to the baby everyday and is obviously in love like I am. Already. 7 weeks and we're already taken. At the beginning of this he even asked me, "Should we try not to get attached in these early weeks since something could happen?" And immediately we both said "No way!" We couldn't help ourselves. So come what may (obviously there are risks at every point of the pregnancy), we will be able to say that we gave our hearts to this baby and loved him/her before we even laid eyes on them.

So I've been thinking about that this week. It's made me realize how automatic that love was- how quickly it clicked and swept over us. And holy cow!!!!!- if we love them this much NOW- what will it be like when we have them in our arms??? The thought of that depth of love is overwhelming.

We've decided to wait until 12 weeks to do an ultrasound. At 12 weeks is when they can finally do a regular ultrasound, opposed to the internal ultrasound that just isn't so fun. We'll be getting the ultrasound done at a teaching facility and I was not so excited about the idea of getting an internal ultrasound done as several students watch and learn on me :\ So- we'll just have to keep waiting a few more weeks to see what's going on in there. And if there is more than one baby, we'll get the shock of our lives! I think getting to actually see something with my eyes will help this sink in more too and give me some reassurance that things are all fine (which, hopefully they are). Speaking of, you can keep praying that baby grows steady and strong and that all their systems form perfectly and that they stay snug in their little uterus world :)

I get teary eyed just thinking about seeing that first image. Thank you Lord. What a delight and a privilege to be part of this miracle. We lack the words to express all that our hearts hold.


Friday, September 17, 2010

6 1/2 weeks

I'm now at 6 1/2 weeks and little baby is about the size of a pea or a coffee bean or some sort of small round edible item- take your pick ;) Yesterday for the first time I was feeling sorta woozy and yucky and was just camped out on the couch all day. I've had days where I've felt really tired, but yesterday I just felt totally gone. In the afternoon my wonderful husband went to the grocery store doing all the shopping for the week so that I didn't have to do it over the weekend. What a help!

Thursday we had our first meeting with our midwife Debbie. That was a step that made this feel a bit more real. I knew her and her husband through Frontiers and have wanted her to be my midwife for a long time now. She's the perfect type of person that you want with you in one your most intense, beautiful and formative moments in life- and that is because she exudes the peace, comfort and gentleness of the Lord. She has one of those voices that makes you feel all relaxed and warm inside. I'm so looking forward to having a home birth experience with Debbie as our wise and calming guide. She spent an hour and a half talking with us and we came home with arms full of wonderful books she lent us on home birth, nutrition and preparing for birth. It's going to be wonderful to be in her care and to have her as such an available resource.

There are still moments where this doesn't feel real and I feel like something is going to snap and I'll realize it's all been a dream. Maybe it won't really seem like reality until I see my belly grow. These months of being pregnant with nothing to show for it are pretty odd. There are still parts of me that are sort of holding back I think, afraid of the risks and the unknowns. Last week I had my first bad dream about a miscarriage and last night I had one where the baby was born but it was really sick. In both it was really scary and the feelings were so real and they sorta creep back up on me. I guess that's the brain's way of processing this huge transition and the fears that are in the back of my mind that I don't even really know are there.

Changing to a much happier subject.....I turned 30 on the 8th! I don't usually make a big deal about how old I'm turning, but 30 is a milestone sort of birthday, and it packed special meaning for me this year. With the timing of the infertility procedure I knew we'd be finding out the results right before my birthday. Great. And that was either going to make it a really, really hard birthday to get through, or it was going to make it even more of a humongous occasion to celebrate. Thankfully, very very thankfully, it was the latter :) So I celebrated my 30th with the happy contentment of knowing baby was growing in my tummy and that the Lord has amazing things planned for my 30th year of life. How fun to think that by my next birthday I'll have a 4 month old :) Eeeee!!!!!

The definite highlight was that Ryan took me to San Diego as a surprise to celebrate! :) It was wonderful! He had planned everything out in advance, every detail, and didn't tell me where we were going until we got in the car to head to CA! The main surprise was that we were going to the San Diego Zoo. I hadn't been there since I was little, but I LOVE zoos and that one is world-renowned- so my hubby knew just what to plan. That zoo is huge and we made it through the entire thing and were completely exhausted by the end of the day. A very happy exhausted :) And boy did I sleep awesome that night! (I think that means exercise is the cure for my pregnancy-sleeplessness.)

We also spent time watching the sunset at the beach where Ryan gave me two fun presents- a little flip calendar with facts about the baby's development for every day of the pregnancy (Genius! It was the sweetest gift and it's so fun to flip the page each day and learn something new) and a precious little sugar bowl. He'd seen me pick it up and check it out several times at Anthropologie (a store we pretty much just window shop at) and so he went back and got it. What a guy!

On our way home we made our way to La Jolla to see the harbor seals who congregate there who were delightfully sunning themselves on the rocks and putting on a great show for everyone. (Can you see the two on the rock and one in the water?)

Friday, September 3, 2010

Our little sesame seed

It's been just a week since we saw the two pink lines appear before our unbelieving eyes- and already so much seems different. All the topics about babies and pregnancy that I avoided before or would have just flat out said "I don't want to talk about that" are now all that we CAN talk about! There's this tremendous sense of relief and release. All the dreams and what if's and fun imaginings that we've been holding back are now let loose. We talk about names, we talk about what features of ours we hope they have, we talk about the birth, we talk about what I'll look like with a big belly, we talk about what it will feel like to just hold them.....aaahhhh. We went to the mall to look at baby clothes. We never go to the mall!! It was my husband's idea- and it was really fun :) Our coffee table is stacked with the books my sister has loaned me- Dr. Sear's Baby Book, Your Pregnancy Week by Week, Bradley's Husband Coached Childbirth. We're browsing those websites that give the weekly updates and show the little baby turn into a mini dinosaur and then a lima bean with flippers. We can't help but laugh at those early stages!

It's hilarious how quickly this has flooded our lives! I guess because this is what we've been waiting for so earnestly. We want to experience it all and to go through it all together. Ryan's right here with me reading the books and checking the websites and looking at the baby clothes. His heart is so tender to this baby already.

Wow there's so much to celebrate! Thank you Jesus!

And yet, it's all very sobering as well. Things could still go wrong. In these books I'm reading about all the horrible things that can go wrong between now and week 40. There are no guarantees. (I love it- in one paragraph they're saying 'relax, enjoy your pregnancy!' and in the next one they're talking about all these risks and problems!)

And it also makes us totally think through our future and our plans and what all of that will look like. I just started with Peace Catalyst International on Monday. Ironic that that was the same day I got confirmation about the pregnancy. "Hi it's my first day here. By the way I'll be leaving in about 9 months. Thanks." There was definitely some background-story-giving that had to go on that day for those in PCI that didn't know our story. Basically- if this had been according to OUR timing we'd already have a baby in our arms. Apparently God thought NOW was awesome timing to give us a child! It's only funny looking at it from THIS side of the story :)

Plus, we're smack-dab in the middle of support raising- in a recession- and it's slow to say the least. Just as pregnancy makes all sorts of mothering instincts and such kick in for me, it also causes my husband to think practically and seriously about making sure his wife and soon-coming child are provided for. Will our support come in? Will it come in time? Will it be enough for all 3 of us? Should he look for a better job in the mean time? Lord Jesus bless my precious husband as he seeks you on these hard questions! We need your direction and your provision!

Question- who on earth thought up the system for dating your pregnancy? Start from the first day of your last period??? So technically you're already counting "weeks pregnant" when you're having your last period? It makes no sense to me- but I'll go with the flow anyway. And that means I'm at the end of my 5th week. Baby is the size of a sesame seed :) And boy is that sesame seed making me feel tired already! I can't believe the tiredness starts this early, but then I read about everything my body is doing to grow that baby and it's little placenta-home and all the hyper-crucial development that goes on in these very early weeks. I guess that's reason enough to feel a bit more tired than usual these days ;) And yet- so frustrating!!!- I have the worst time falling asleep and staying asleep at night. I guess there's too much baby on the brain.

More to come! Thanks for still reading :)