Wednesday, December 14, 2011

not it

The birth-parents I wrote about earlier- they did not choose us. There are some complicating factors and drama surrounding that situation that our case worker shared with us that left a small possibility that we could maybe possibly be chosen if some things fell through. Not holding our breath at all though. And we're really ok with it all. I am really hoping that we don't have to be drug through that process too many more times though! Sheesh. God's grace is with us and he's holding up our faith so that we can trust in His good plan. We know he has something wonderful in store that will come soon. His grace sustains.


Thursday, December 8, 2011

hope beyond the visible

Having a sad day today. This article was the soul-food I needed. Thank you Jesus for being my hope.

Love this quote:
"God was not done when Noah was in the boat, Sarah was barren, Joseph was in prison, Moses was on the run from Pharaoh, the children of Israel were pinned against the Red Sea, the walls of Jericho blocked possession of the promised land, Gideon was hiding from the Midianites, Samson was seduced by a woman and blinded, Ruth was widowed, David was mocked as a boy facing a giant, Job’s children were all killed, government officials persecuted Daniel, Jonah was in the belly of a fish, Paul couldn’t get rid of his thorn, and Jesus was put in the grave. God is not done!
Hope is not undone, because he is not done!"   Sam Crabtree


Wednesday, December 7, 2011

fresh tears

Tonight I shared my "life story" in the new small group we're part of. When I got to the part about losing our baby I totally lost it. I was surprised at myself and I think Ryan was surprised too. A few reasons why: I sorta never cry in front of other people. Not that I stifle it, but I just sorta am able to keep it together usually. Also, I realized I hadn't talked about that experience as a "story" in a really long time. Explaining all the events all together was really emotional. I haven't cried over it in a while. And also.....I realized how much I miss that little one. I'm so excited about our soon-coming-child that I guess I don't think about our other baby as much as I used to. (That makes me sad to realize that.) But talking about them in the context of my entire life and everything that we went through- it was just really sad and I felt so sharply that longing to have them with us right now. I wish the baby we're expecting through adoption was going to be kiddo #2 in this house. I wish they could grow up together...that we could all be together here.

Oh precious one how we miss you! We're so thankful for those 8 short weeks we had with you. Our hearts break all over again wishing you were here. You changed our lives forever. In my heart you'll always be "our first baby". I can't wait to meet you in our forever home. Your Mama and Papa love you so much.

wishing i had news

So I haven't written in awhile because I was really hoping my next post would be a fun announcement about a birth-family choosing us.....but instead we're now 4 weeks in to waiting to hear back about a particular birth-family who were given our profile by our agency. 4 weeks ago we got a call from our case worker that our profile was being presented to a birth-family and that we'd hear soon if they wanted to take the next step of meeting us. But.....4 weeks and still no word. We haven't been sharing that particular bit of info very widely so I had hesitated to write anything on here. But now that we've been waiting 4 weeks I sorta feel like ah what the heck I'll share!

Since we've never been through this before we don't know what "normal" is, so maybe 4 weeks is no biggie to wait to hear if a birth-family wants to meet you or not....but it's been feeling like a pretty long wait. Each week our case worker says "one more week" and then it just keeps stretching out. I would so much rather not know that they are even considering us and just get the call that someone has chosen us and wants to meet us. We know some details about the birth-parents and the baby and that made it all very personal and so specific and really hard to not get our hopes up.

This process is such an emotional rollercoaster that I now think no one can really prepare you for such an experience. Everyone's story is different so having expectations is pointless. There are so many steps and so many things that can possibly happen. This family could choose to meet us, and then not choose us as the adoptive parents. Or they could choose us as the parents and then change their minds at about a million other points along the way. Anything can happen!!!! Control freaks beware! This experience will completely unravel you! You have ZERO control over what happens. All you can do is trust the Lord and let things play out as he wills. You can't control the birth-parents' decisions or the timing with the agency or anything!

Suffice it to say I'm really glad that we can enjoy the distraction of Christmas right now so that we're not just totally focused and obsessed about hearing from these birth-parents. It has also been helpful to put ourselves in their shoes (in the very limited way that our minds are able to do that) and to think of what an insanely difficult decision this is and that it's not something that can be rushed and that I would also want to really take my time in choosing my child's parents and it's really just so selfish of us to be impatient about that.

Hopefully we'll hear at least something by next week and we'll know what direction this is going in next. And if this isn't our baby then it's ok because we know that he or she is still out there and it'll just be a little longer until the Lord brings them home to us.