Sunday, August 22, 2010

One more week

Time is passing sooooo slowwwwwlyyyyy. Aaaahhh! One week down and one more week to go until I can take a pregnancy test. It seems like forever ago since we started this process. I can't believe it was just a week ago.

The past week has had it's ups and downs. Like I mentioned in the last post I can really sense God's grace on me because I really thought I'd be this insane ball of nerves during these two weeks and that I'd be sorta freaking out with anticipation and worry. It's definitely on my mind constantly, but over all I'm doing pretty well. It was a very busy week and there were some really fun things that happened so that helped keep my mind occupied.

Our friends Dallas and Sophia had their beautiful baby girl last Sunday- a perfect homebirth (good work mama!)- and we got to meet little Shea on her 3rd day of life. Nothing like the scent of newborn baby, that peach-fuzz skin and the comforting rhythm of their breathing against your chest to make you just fall in love! :) Then our family celebrated my niece Lydia's 3rd birthday. That made me all nostalgic remembering the night she was born- also a perfect homebirth- and how blessed I was to be there witnessing her arrival in to this world and the strength of my wonderful sister to make it happen. Our sweet, spunky Lydia is fast becoming her own little person with a huge personality- but I do miss the snuggly baby with the silky black hair. Why do these babies have to grow up so fast? :(

And then on Wednesday I got to accompany Ryan to the English class he's teaching in the Somali-Bantu refugee community in Phoenix with Peace Catalyst International (the ministry we're joining). He started doing that about 4 weeks ago and I've been anxious to have the chance to be part of that with him and see him in action interacting with his class. It was wonderful and I instantly liked all of them (and my husband did a great job as a teacher)! The women were warm, smiley and dressed so colorfully. I'm so thankful we have this opportunity to serve the Bantu who have been so persecuted, oppressed and ravaged. God has brought refugees in to my life a few times before and so I have a particular passion and tenderness toward them. It brought back memories of being in Iraq and how the times we spent with internal refugees (people who have lost their home in their own country) were literally some of the best experiences of my life. Those are the days I daydream about. So I'm very thankful to be back among refugees with lots of opportunities open before us.

So in between all of that there were some quiet moments to think about all that's going on and what this means for us. I can imagine the moment when I take the pregnancy test and then look at the result and what it would feel like if it was positive and if it was negative. I know what the disappointment already feels like to find out I'm not pregnant, except that this time we've put a lot more work in to it than normal, so there's more expectation built up. But if it was positive I have no idea what that would be like. I almost can't imagine that.

I've actually never taken a pregnancy test at home. My doctor had me take one at his office once but I already could tell I wasn't pregnant. I always have really bad cramps that start really early, so they're usually the giveaway that there's no baby going on in there and then I don't bother taking a test. So this one moment of super hype and expectation is gonna be pretty crazy. And the bummer thing is that Ryan works on Saturdays so he wants me to call him in the morning when I take the test so at least he's sorta "with" me when I get the results. Lord help us get through this!

This morning at church my pastor mentioned the baby boom happening right now in our little church and he named all the ladies who are pregnant and then had us pray for them in small groups. This is the type of scenario that's sorta a nightmare for women dealing with infertility. When you're single it seems like everyone around you is engaged and planning weddings. When you're struggling to conceive it seems like everyone is pregnant and celebrating growing bellies. So times like this, or when you get stuck in the conversation where women are talking about their pregnancies and birth plans and their baby's growth- part of you is happy for them, yes. But the other part wants to cry, run away, get mad and who knows what. It's so, so painful and yet you know that none of those women know how you're feeling in those moments- except maybe a few people who really "get it"- and today one of them was even a man. It was my friend Dallas who I mentioned above who is a brand new dad. We gathered in to the circle to pray for the expectant moms and a few people prayed and then Dallas prayed- and without mentioning my name he prayed for women who desire to conceive but who haven't had that blessing yet and asked for the Lord's healing and peace on them. It was simple, but so touched my heart. Thank you dear friend! (Sophia- you can pass that along to your husband.)

This is getting long so I'll sign off. Oh wait, by the way, this Tuesday is my last day at Frontiers. There has been so much other stuff going on that I don't think I've really processed what that means in my life yet. So you may find me back on here later this week processing some of that, though that's pretty much unrelated to anything about trying to get pregnant.

Thanks all!


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