Yesterday was the big day. But it was definitely one of those things that was sorta like "That was it?" It's about a 2 minute procedure and then they have you lay there for about 10 minutes and then you leave. That's it. The hard part isn't the actual insemination, but the two weeks of waiting that comes after that. And the even harder part will be taking that pregnancy test 2 weeks from now. Ug. Just thinking about it makes my stomach flop.
After the doctor's visit we just came home and I chilled out the rest of the day. I wasn't feeling too hot, since any time they do something like that to your uterus it causes cramping, which was just on top of the cramping I was still having from what they did on Thursday, plus ovulation pain was in full swing. Then apparently I really needed sleep because I went to bed at 10pm and didn't wake up till 10am. Sheesh. I planned to skip out on church to get some extra rest and I'm glad I did because I guess I really needed it!
It's weird to finally be here. Through this whole process I always wondered if we'd get to this point and that if we did, what it would be like. And now we're here and of course it's not like how I thought it would be. Isn't that always how it goes? I think the dread of it was worse than actually being here. I'm doing ok and I didn't think I would be. God's grace is all over me right now, and it sorta took me by surprise. It overwhelmed me today, and what a balm of Gilead it was! I've been in one of those stages where God has seemed far away and I haven't fought for faith or joy. So to have him so near and comforting and promising and tender today...it was a surprise. I don't deserve that. It was so life-giving and restoring and so opposite of how I've been viewing him lately. Surprised by grace once again.
Today I went to my go-to preacher, my all-time fave: John Piper. No one else speaks the Word to my heart and draws out the truths so relevant to my life experience like he does- and especially no one preaches on the glory of God as much as that man does! His teachings on suffering (ok, as well as pretty much every other major topic in scripture: missions, glory of God, Jesus as our treasure etc) have completely shaped my theology and my heart on that issue. So today I watched a DVD of a conference he did on the topic of "When I Don't Desire God- How to Fight for Joy". How relevant! Ha!
I won't relay the whole thing, but just this one little tiny point. 2 Corinthians (my very favorite book!) 6:10 "....sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" How thankful I am for a God and a Bible that makes sense with human experience!! He doesn't call us to put on our happy face and suck it up and everything will be fine. He understands "the dark night of the soul", the depths of agony and sorrow, shattered dreams and broken hearts- and in the midst of that he calls us to rejoice in Him. He doesn't call us to rejoice in Him when the sorrow is over. He doesn't call us to pretend the sorrow isn't there and rejoice in Him. He doesn't act like the sorrow isn't a very real and valid experience for us. God is talking about this very otherworldly, Holy Spirit carried, grace endowed rejoicing in Him in the midst of sorrow. It's rejoicing in all that God is, even when we are hurting because of the things he allows in our lives and we don't understand the ways he works- rejoicing in the glory of all that He is that never changes even in our darkest experiences of sorrow. I want to walk in that.
So, it's stuff like that that's holding my heart up right now. It's a process. I'm not done going through this and I'm not "all better" and my theology hasn't fixed it all- but at least today I felt God and heard him and was with him. So what ever is going on in my body right now- cells dividing and an embryo implanting- or nothing at all- I have Jesus today and every day after this. So may he be glorified as the one who is able to soothe an aching heart, calm an anxious body, preach truth to this soul, and carry me through another day of this experience. At the end of it all, having Him is all that matters.