Pressing on

I didn't mean for there to have been this long silence but I just didn't have my thoughts pulled together to write. It's been a week since we got the big negative :( That was a bad day, a very bad day. No matter how much I think I'm prepared to hear bad news, I never really am prepared. You just can't fully brace your heart for the disappointment, especially since we had let ourselves hope sooo hard this time. I don't really feel like recalling what I felt and thought on that day because it just sucked so bad. So....moving on.....

We're already underway with the process for our next IUI. Even when there's bad news, our bodies just keep moving right along! So there wasn't much time to sit around and think about what happened because after just a few days it was already time to meet with the doctor again and make decisions about this next IUI. I had read something about how different it feels to do consecutive infertility treatments because it seems like you've just barely mourned the loss of the hope for that cycle and then right away you're already starting your meds and jumping right in to the process for your next treatment. And that certainly feels true for me. Although I think Ryan and I had done most of our mourning in the days before I even took the pregnancy test because I was having cramps and pretty much knew what that meant.

I met with our wonderful doctor again and we decided to change my meds a bit to just bump up our chances a little more. The meds I've been on are the same ones I've taken for several cycles over these last two years and it's sorta the base that they start most people out on. It's the lowest stimulation and only causes one egg to be released (although I had been confused about that and used to think there were more being released- but then she explained it to me). So the next step up from that is to add in three injections that will cause more follicles to develop fully and will most likely release 2-3 eggs. Obviously having 2-3 eggs that could possibly get fertilized increases the odds versus when there's just one egg hanging out there. She said this amount of meds should be gentle enough to only bump it up to 2-3. If it goes much higher than that they will actually cancel the IUI because they don't want to create the risk of a high-multiple pregnancy. They're not interested in creating more octo-moms in this world! (Weird that when all you're hoping for is at least just ONE baby that the doctor actually has to worry about the chance of you getting pregnant with TOO MANY babies! So weird!) So something we'll be praying for is that the meds don't make my body go too crazy and that just the right low amount of eggs will be ready.

I was, yet again, really thankful for the wise, slow approach my doctor takes with all of this. She's obviously not God though and doesn't know the will of the Author of Life- but she said since IUI worked for us before and there aren't any other issues besides the endometriosis (but who knows what that's doing!) that she really thinks it will work again and we just need to be patient. Also, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the meds are affordable, since I had read some crazy stuff on the internet about people spending $1000+ on injectable meds. Plus, Ryan gets to hone his shot-giving skills. Boo. The actual procedure will probably be next Monday, but I'll keep you updated as usual.

Our hope reserves are full and we're still really, really believing that God is able to do this. Of course he is able! We just don't know if it is his perfect will for us. Maybe there is something else out there that is more perfect. Perfect.....the word makes me think of the Kingdom of God. That's where my sights have been set lately. We have big hope for this great earthly gift- a child. But there is not guarantee for that. The lasting hope that will NOT fail or disappoint or break my heart is the hope of my salvation that is anchored in Jesus Christ the Risen King who reigns forever and ever! Sorrow and mourning always draw my heart to just long and long for the Kingdom and to just be with Jesus where all my tears will be dried and I will let out all my sighs in the arms of my Love and the weight of sorrow will be lifted by the tender hands of my Savior. Come Lord Jesus! You are better than life!

This album by Sandra McCracken has been my soundtrack for this past month. It sings my heart. Ok, pretty much everything by her (my very first post explains the inspiration for my blog title from a Sandra song- and how little did I know how much more deeply that song would apply to our lives now), but I just got this album so it's been on constant rotation in the car and on the ipod.
The song Grace Upon Grace is wonderful, especially these lines-

Grace upon grace, every sin repaired
Every void restored, you will find Him there
In every turning He will prepare you
With grace upon grace.

To Thee I run now with great expectation
To honor You with trust like a child (That's what we want to have!!!)
My hopes and desires seek a new destination
and all that You ask Your grace will provide.

But then I also just found this song from one of her albums that I don't have yet. And it's always great to be able to watch her and her hubby Derek Webb (a Lynn family fave) play together. A truly precious song, water to the soul. I'll leave off with this- yes Jesus you are so good!

Shelter
In the arms of a good Father
You can go to the deep water
Where the questions, we have left unspoken
Come out in the open
We will find shelter here

So I lay down, what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here

When I look back I can see,
And when I am old I'll remember these things
Like a mountain of stone
And the longing that makes me believe...

There is a tree by the blue river
Where the shade stretches wide over
In this breaking we are hand and glove
Come with me my love
We will find shelter here
We will find shelter here...

not pregnant

It didn't work. I'm not pregnant. We sorta knew this was coming because I've been having cramps off and on the past week and I figured that only meant one thing (and I remembered I did NOT feel that way last time). We processed through that some on Saturday night and I got my tears out and asked God my frustrated/upset/disappointed questions. And yet we were still praying very faith-filled prayers asking God for a miracle. So we went in to this morning really hoping that despite the obvious sign that the cramps were giving, that God could do anything at the eleventh hour. But- not. It's not his plan yet apparently. I'm not totally sure what I'm feeling and thinking, but I do feel the Lord with me and his grace is abundant. We still have hope for the future.

Carrie

Getting closer

The days are passing quickly, thankfully, and we're getting closer and closer to our test date- Tuesday the 22nd- just 9 days away now! We both get butterflies when we think about it....and there's just too much suspense that we can't even really talk about that moment. Ryan brought it up the other night and we both sorta made the same weird sound and I had to say "I know. Just don't think about it." and we had to change the topic.

Waiting has been ok though. Truly God has been so gracious and I've been able to pretty much just go along with my normal business and not freak about what's coming up. If you've been praying for this waiting period, thank you, because God is answering those prayers :)

Our weekend was good and then not so good. I've been having the most wicked allergies and absolutely nothing I take makes any difference. Sneezing, watery eyes, stuffy/runny nose- just like the allergy medicine commercials say- that's me lately. I'm afraid my allergies are getting worse as I get older. Wonderful. Anyways- I spent all day Friday on the couch and just stayed home because I was starting to feel pretty knocked out by it all. But by the time Ryan came home from work and I already knew I didn't feel like cooking I was ready to get out of the house. I was feeling a little bit better and had a real hankering for a Fatburger :) So we headed down to Mill for our burger date and to let me get some fresh air (probably just full of allergy-causing stuff and not so fresh, but oh well). After our delicious burgers and to-die-for onion rings we grabbed coffee and headed down to Tempe Town Lake for a little stroll. That was one of our big date spots when we were dating and engaged, and we had a lot of our engagement photos taken down there, so it's a sentimental place for us. The sunset was gorgeous, reflecting pink, purple, orange and about three different shades of blue onto the water. We were relaxed and in love, thankful to have each other and loving the weather and sunset.

There was one moment where we were sitting on a little bench, my head on Ryan's shoulder, just watching the color-changing sky and then a wave of sadness over our baby just swept right over me. Missing him/her and wishing they were here and just feeling that emptiness in the core of my body. It was out of no where. I wasn't even thinking about it really. It was like a wave that came fast and then left pretty quickly too. I think Ryan said something that distracted my mind or something because the feeling didn't linger and my thoughts moved on to something else. But I remembered it later on.

And that's just how this whole loss and mourning thing is. Unexpected. Still loaded with emotion. Heavy and sad. It takes different forms and just feels different sometimes. It's almost been 6 months since we lost our precious one. I've said a ton of times how there's no time line for how these things are "supposed" to go, and it's absolutely true. But this little experience did made me realize how I am in a different place now than I was a couple months ago. I can sense how the loss has found it's place in me now. How it's part of who I am. It's with me and in me and I'm ok with carrying it as part of me and part of my story now. I think that's a very healthy stage of grief so it was good to recognize that. And it's comforting in a way too. I don't think I can fully articulate it, but as more and more time passes and some of the sharpness of the memories fades, it comforts me to know that it's with me and part of me now and that my mind will bring it to the forefront even if I'm not specifically dwelling on it.

Saturday we headed out to the Arboretum which is one of our very favorite spots. It's a place of real healing for me so I always look forward to our next visit there. I was still feeling a bit like an allergy zombie and we both knew that me being outside surrounded by a ton of plants that are flowering and spreading their pollen all around maybe wasn't the best idea.....but we have very few weekends left before the scorching temps permanently drive us inside for the summer so I wanted to take advantage of the time no matter how my nose would fare. So with my pockets packed with kleenex, we forged on, and it was lovely as usual :) There were lots of beautiful wildflowers popping up and several different trees blossoming and we loved watching the birds, lizards and ground squirrels. We soaked it up, stopping at the little sitting areas to just relax and be in the moment.

And then I woke up this morning and felt absolutely horrible. Is it possible for allergies to turn in to a cold?? My sinuses were throbbing and felt like they were filled with cement. My throat was itchy and achy. I was sneezing so loud I'm sure the upstairs neighbors could hear me. I was a total mess and soon realized I would not be making it to church at all. And my dear sweet hubby decided to stay home from church as well and take care of me. He set up a little spot on the couch for me with a kleenex box and hot tea and made a run to the store for orange juice and chicken noodle soup. He also did two loads of dishes because the kitchen was a disaster area due to me making a new Indian dish last night that required the use of a ridiculous amount of bowls and ingredients and equipment (and after all my efforts I didn't even like it, plus the recipe was horribly misleading and poorly written). My hubby gets the gold star for being my hero today :) I'm feeling a little better tonight, so we'll see how this week goes.

Just a little update while we continue on in this waiting time :)

Carrie

Tomorrow is THE day

The ultrasound yesterday showed that everything looked good so they scheduled us for the IUI tomorrow- Tuesday. Will you flood tomorrow with prayers for a miracle? Every single part of this is in the Lord's hands. He is the author of life. Please beg him with us for the grand miraculous gift of a baby.

Starting tomorrow we will start the crazy two-week countdown until we can take a pregnancy test. We can't test any sooner than two weeks due to the hormone injection that my hubby had to give me last night that causes the egg(s) to be released. Those hormones will automatically cause a false positive if we try to test before the two weeks is up. It will take two weeks for that to get out of my system and let my own hormones kick in, plus if conception did occur then obviously you have to allow time for implantation and for the pregnancy hormones to start going to give you a positive pregnancy test.

So- two looooong weeks before we know anything!

As I've shared before we are very very hopeful about God's power in this situation, but we know it may not be his plan either. So we're open to whatever happens and will see what the Lord leads us to do after wards if it didn't work. Please pray tomorrow and over the next two weeks.

Thanks for praying with us!

Carrie