Sunday, March 13, 2011

Getting closer

The days are passing quickly, thankfully, and we're getting closer and closer to our test date- Tuesday the 22nd- just 9 days away now! We both get butterflies when we think about it....and there's just too much suspense that we can't even really talk about that moment. Ryan brought it up the other night and we both sorta made the same weird sound and I had to say "I know. Just don't think about it." and we had to change the topic.

Waiting has been ok though. Truly God has been so gracious and I've been able to pretty much just go along with my normal business and not freak about what's coming up. If you've been praying for this waiting period, thank you, because God is answering those prayers :)

Our weekend was good and then not so good. I've been having the most wicked allergies and absolutely nothing I take makes any difference. Sneezing, watery eyes, stuffy/runny nose- just like the allergy medicine commercials say- that's me lately. I'm afraid my allergies are getting worse as I get older. Wonderful. Anyways- I spent all day Friday on the couch and just stayed home because I was starting to feel pretty knocked out by it all. But by the time Ryan came home from work and I already knew I didn't feel like cooking I was ready to get out of the house. I was feeling a little bit better and had a real hankering for a Fatburger :) So we headed down to Mill for our burger date and to let me get some fresh air (probably just full of allergy-causing stuff and not so fresh, but oh well). After our delicious burgers and to-die-for onion rings we grabbed coffee and headed down to Tempe Town Lake for a little stroll. That was one of our big date spots when we were dating and engaged, and we had a lot of our engagement photos taken down there, so it's a sentimental place for us. The sunset was gorgeous, reflecting pink, purple, orange and about three different shades of blue onto the water. We were relaxed and in love, thankful to have each other and loving the weather and sunset.

There was one moment where we were sitting on a little bench, my head on Ryan's shoulder, just watching the color-changing sky and then a wave of sadness over our baby just swept right over me. Missing him/her and wishing they were here and just feeling that emptiness in the core of my body. It was out of no where. I wasn't even thinking about it really. It was like a wave that came fast and then left pretty quickly too. I think Ryan said something that distracted my mind or something because the feeling didn't linger and my thoughts moved on to something else. But I remembered it later on.

And that's just how this whole loss and mourning thing is. Unexpected. Still loaded with emotion. Heavy and sad. It takes different forms and just feels different sometimes. It's almost been 6 months since we lost our precious one. I've said a ton of times how there's no time line for how these things are "supposed" to go, and it's absolutely true. But this little experience did made me realize how I am in a different place now than I was a couple months ago. I can sense how the loss has found it's place in me now. How it's part of who I am. It's with me and in me and I'm ok with carrying it as part of me and part of my story now. I think that's a very healthy stage of grief so it was good to recognize that. And it's comforting in a way too. I don't think I can fully articulate it, but as more and more time passes and some of the sharpness of the memories fades, it comforts me to know that it's with me and part of me now and that my mind will bring it to the forefront even if I'm not specifically dwelling on it.

Saturday we headed out to the Arboretum which is one of our very favorite spots. It's a place of real healing for me so I always look forward to our next visit there. I was still feeling a bit like an allergy zombie and we both knew that me being outside surrounded by a ton of plants that are flowering and spreading their pollen all around maybe wasn't the best idea.....but we have very few weekends left before the scorching temps permanently drive us inside for the summer so I wanted to take advantage of the time no matter how my nose would fare. So with my pockets packed with kleenex, we forged on, and it was lovely as usual :) There were lots of beautiful wildflowers popping up and several different trees blossoming and we loved watching the birds, lizards and ground squirrels. We soaked it up, stopping at the little sitting areas to just relax and be in the moment.

And then I woke up this morning and felt absolutely horrible. Is it possible for allergies to turn in to a cold?? My sinuses were throbbing and felt like they were filled with cement. My throat was itchy and achy. I was sneezing so loud I'm sure the upstairs neighbors could hear me. I was a total mess and soon realized I would not be making it to church at all. And my dear sweet hubby decided to stay home from church as well and take care of me. He set up a little spot on the couch for me with a kleenex box and hot tea and made a run to the store for orange juice and chicken noodle soup. He also did two loads of dishes because the kitchen was a disaster area due to me making a new Indian dish last night that required the use of a ridiculous amount of bowls and ingredients and equipment (and after all my efforts I didn't even like it, plus the recipe was horribly misleading and poorly written). My hubby gets the gold star for being my hero today :) I'm feeling a little better tonight, so we'll see how this week goes.

Just a little update while we continue on in this waiting time :)


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