Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Pressing on

I didn't mean for there to have been this long silence but I just didn't have my thoughts pulled together to write. It's been a week since we got the big negative :( That was a bad day, a very bad day. No matter how much I think I'm prepared to hear bad news, I never really am prepared. You just can't fully brace your heart for the disappointment, especially since we had let ourselves hope sooo hard this time. I don't really feel like recalling what I felt and thought on that day because it just sucked so bad. So....moving on.....

We're already underway with the process for our next IUI. Even when there's bad news, our bodies just keep moving right along! So there wasn't much time to sit around and think about what happened because after just a few days it was already time to meet with the doctor again and make decisions about this next IUI. I had read something about how different it feels to do consecutive infertility treatments because it seems like you've just barely mourned the loss of the hope for that cycle and then right away you're already starting your meds and jumping right in to the process for your next treatment. And that certainly feels true for me. Although I think Ryan and I had done most of our mourning in the days before I even took the pregnancy test because I was having cramps and pretty much knew what that meant.

I met with our wonderful doctor again and we decided to change my meds a bit to just bump up our chances a little more. The meds I've been on are the same ones I've taken for several cycles over these last two years and it's sorta the base that they start most people out on. It's the lowest stimulation and only causes one egg to be released (although I had been confused about that and used to think there were more being released- but then she explained it to me). So the next step up from that is to add in three injections that will cause more follicles to develop fully and will most likely release 2-3 eggs. Obviously having 2-3 eggs that could possibly get fertilized increases the odds versus when there's just one egg hanging out there. She said this amount of meds should be gentle enough to only bump it up to 2-3. If it goes much higher than that they will actually cancel the IUI because they don't want to create the risk of a high-multiple pregnancy. They're not interested in creating more octo-moms in this world! (Weird that when all you're hoping for is at least just ONE baby that the doctor actually has to worry about the chance of you getting pregnant with TOO MANY babies! So weird!) So something we'll be praying for is that the meds don't make my body go too crazy and that just the right low amount of eggs will be ready.

I was, yet again, really thankful for the wise, slow approach my doctor takes with all of this. She's obviously not God though and doesn't know the will of the Author of Life- but she said since IUI worked for us before and there aren't any other issues besides the endometriosis (but who knows what that's doing!) that she really thinks it will work again and we just need to be patient. Also, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that the meds are affordable, since I had read some crazy stuff on the internet about people spending $1000+ on injectable meds. Plus, Ryan gets to hone his shot-giving skills. Boo. The actual procedure will probably be next Monday, but I'll keep you updated as usual.

Our hope reserves are full and we're still really, really believing that God is able to do this. Of course he is able! We just don't know if it is his perfect will for us. Maybe there is something else out there that is more perfect. Perfect.....the word makes me think of the Kingdom of God. That's where my sights have been set lately. We have big hope for this great earthly gift- a child. But there is not guarantee for that. The lasting hope that will NOT fail or disappoint or break my heart is the hope of my salvation that is anchored in Jesus Christ the Risen King who reigns forever and ever! Sorrow and mourning always draw my heart to just long and long for the Kingdom and to just be with Jesus where all my tears will be dried and I will let out all my sighs in the arms of my Love and the weight of sorrow will be lifted by the tender hands of my Savior. Come Lord Jesus! You are better than life!

This album by Sandra McCracken has been my soundtrack for this past month. It sings my heart. Ok, pretty much everything by her (my very first post explains the inspiration for my blog title from a Sandra song- and how little did I know how much more deeply that song would apply to our lives now), but I just got this album so it's been on constant rotation in the car and on the ipod.
The song Grace Upon Grace is wonderful, especially these lines-
Grace upon grace, every sin repaired
Every void restored, you will find Him there
In every turning He will prepare you
With grace upon grace.

To Thee I run now with great expectation
To honor You with trust like a child (That's what we want to have!!!)
My hopes and desires seek a new destination
and all that You ask Your grace will provide.

But then I also just found this song from one of her albums that I don't have yet. And it's always great to be able to watch her and her hubby Derek Webb (a Lynn family fave) play together. A truly precious song, water to the soul. I'll leave off with this- yes Jesus you are so good!

In the arms of a good Father
You can go to the deep water
Where the questions, we have left unspoken
Come out in the open
We will find shelter here

So I lay down, what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here

When I look back I can see,
And when I am old I'll remember these things
Like a mountain of stone
And the longing that makes me believe...

There is a tree by the blue river
Where the shade stretches wide over
In this breaking we are hand and glove
Come with me my love
We will find shelter here
We will find shelter here...


  1. LOVE the song and your strong faith. You're truly an inspiration!

  2. I can totally relate to thinking more about Heaven and perfection more lately. There's a song in the Disney Musical "The Little Mermaid" (not the movie, the musical...:) called, "The World Above." She sings about her love for yes, the world above. It's such an amazing Heaven song without it trying to be. You should check it out. Love to you, sweet girl. Hang in there. You are sung over and rejoiced in by your Heavenly Father.