Here's a re-post from a blog I've read a bit by a girl who pretty much has the same story as us. Her honesty is so helpful, especially as she's farther down the road than I am and is dealing with the realities of an open adoption, which we also hope to have. This is really helpful for me to hear- to know that I'm normal in my grief- and I thought it could be a helpful perspective for you to hear as well- whether you're in the same place as I am or you're just in the supporting community around adoptive families.
What I Need You to Know
This isn’t easy for me. Adoption is hard. Really hard. Extremely
beautiful and wonderful, but hard. I need to tell you at least two
things on my mind lately about this: Adoption does not cure infertility.
1) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard well intentioned people
say, “You know what they say…once you adopt, then you’ll end up
pregnant!”. Yes, I know they SAY that. But can I tell you that
statistically about 5% of adoptive couples go on to conceive. I do not
struggle with infertility because I am too occupied with getting
pregnant. Stress doesn’t cause infertility, infertility causes stress.
Our adoption of G does not mean I will end up pregnant. I could
get pregnant…but it won’t be because we adopted. Unless you’ve been
through infertility hell, you wouldn’t understand so I have grace that
people just don’t really know what to say so they say something that
sounds encouraging and hopeful.
2) Even though I have G in my arms, I am still grieving. He was
not a “fix” for my pain and grief. He is an amazing gift and my heart
has never known a love like this, but that isn’t what heals my grief.
It helps though. Please understand that adoptive couples still have things they need
to mourn whether it be their infertility, the loss of a pregnancy, or
the reality that their motherhood/fatherhood is still different than
most of their friends in many ways.
Can I be honest with you for a second and let you in on some of the heart-happenings of this adoptive mama?
I still feel very sad at times. Sad that I don’t have pregnancy
stories, I didn’t feel my boy kicking, I wasn’t able to nurse him, and
that I didn’t give birth to my own son.
I have moments of anger. Anger over losing a child, that we somehow
couldn’t conceive again, that it seems so easy for everyone else, that I
wasn’t there for my child’s birth, and that I have to share him unlike
most mothers I know.
I’m scared. Scared that I’ll fail, that open adoption will be too
hard and I’ll never feel 100% secure, that maybe my love for G is
lacking because I didn’t carry his first 9 months of existence, that
he’ll love her more than me, that I will end up pregnant and
G will feel “less than”, or that I’ll miss out on everything
extraordinary about the mysteries of adoption and what it can teach me
about being God’s child.
I stand on the affirmation that my emotions are very real and normal
for where I’m at right now. I realize that my fears are typical of
mamas who adopt and probably won’t ever be true. And I trust that God
grafted our family together perfectly, that G being my son is no
accident, and that His plan has turned out better than anything I could
have schemed up.
I love G with every fiber of my being. Some days are still so
surreal that I can only praise the One who made me his mommy! I
absolutely adore him and that makes enduring even the messy parts of
this journey worth it.
All for the glory of my God.