Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Now what?

Now what? That's the question we're wrestling with now. I'm feeling done with IUI and some part of me is ready to move on....while many other parts of me are mourning, sad, questioning, struggling and in a bit of disbelief that we're here. Here at the crossroads where we make a completely life-altering decision about how to grow our family. Here where we accept that, for now, we apparently are unable to conceive. Here where life-long dreams flash before our minds and crash to the floor unfulfilled. Here where we come closer to accepting, or at least acknowledging more fully, what this all really, truly means. This is happening. And it's happening to us.

For me, the sense that God is writing our story and that he knows where this is going, that he knows all of the joys and pains in store for us yet, that he knows the faces and bodies and every hair on the heads of the children who will be ours- this is so tangible to me, so undeniable that we are in the flow of God's plan for our lives. It is unfolding as I write this. His plans made long, long ago are now being revealed one heartbeat and heartache at a time it seems.

I told my sister yesterday that I have this picture of driving on the freeway trying to get to some destination and then you encounter a detour. "Road closed. Exit freeway. Detour." Crap. You're in a hurry. You're gonna be late. It's the long route. The detour is always the long, slow route. And it's not the scenic route either. Are we there yet? Turns, uphills, curves, steep cliffs, long stops. This is taking forever. Where the heck is this taking us? Are we still heading in the same direction? Yes. All along you are still heading toward your destination. The Designer of the detour made sure it's the same destination. He's just having you take a much different, unanticipated route to get there. And we cannot fathom the joy that awaits us there.

So if parenthood is the destination we desire, and that we believe God gave us the desire for, He certainly has us on quite the detour to get there. We'll arrive one day, for sure, but everything along the way is totally different than we ever imagined it would be.

Please pray for us as we're on this journey, this detour, towards parenthood. We sense now that God would have us consider more seriously than ever before foster care and/or adoption. We think that's where this curvy, bumpy road is taking us. The decisions are not simple or easy. Nothing at this point will be simple or easy. Everything feels extremely weighty, fraught with pain, scary and totally unknown. I am thankful for a couple people in my life who I can talk to about their experiences with foster care and adoption. Tonight we started reading a book about one couple's experience. And we're just talking about it and letting all the questions and fears be out on the table. And as we feel ready we'll be talking with others in our lives about these possibilities also.

What to pray: We need God's direction, discernment from the Holy Spirit, freedom from fear or any other manipulating emotions/idols, lots of holy wisdom, unity and strength in our decisions as a couple, healing for our very aching and mournful hearts and specifically to hear from God about whether we should pursue regular adoption first or foster care/fost-adopt first (that's our question right now- which one).

I can't say enough how much we value your prayers for us through this journey. We need them, and we know that it will truly take a community around us to support us through this. While this is an extremely personal experience, we also recognize and really desire a community of people who can support us, encourage us, speak wisdom and truth to us, and love on us as we go through this- and one day to love on our kids too :) If you have anything you'd like to share or any questions you want to ask please don't hesitate to email or contact me/us.


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