Sunday, April 17, 2011

Nerve-racking and thought-provoking

Lots of weird-feeling things have been going in my body these last 2 weeks. I won't go on and on with all the pains and twinges and cramps and every little weird thing I've felt over the course of the days- but it's just been weird. It turns in to a guessing game (except this not a fun sort of game) and I sorta go crazy. My brain gets like this: "Is it implantation? It's too early. Maybe? Doesn't seem like it should feel like this. Can it happen this early? Would the feelings go on this long? No it's just cramps. The IUI didn't work. This is dumb. Such a waste of money. I'm tired of this. Oh the pains went away. Maybe it was just implantation and I'm pregnant! Maybe there's more than one and that's why it feels so different. Oh wait that doesn't feel good. Blah. This sucks. I feel soooo tired and my chest seems really tender. Those seem like good signs. Uh oh here are the cramps again. What the heck is going on????"

Nerve. Racking.

If I have any shred of nerves left after this whole experience is over, it will be a wonder. Because I really think every last nerve I have has been frazzled and then fried- over and over again. For real- I'll be feeling nothing and thinking things are cool and then bam! I feel a cramp and my stomach totally sinks. You know that sinking feeling? Ya it's been happening like several times a day or whenever I feel something weird inside. And yes I was a nervous person before the whole trying-to-get-pregnant thing came in to my life. It certainly hasn't helped the anxiety levels.

But in the midst of that, there have been some good talks between God and I- some good thoughts provoked. Because there's nothing like feeling cramps when you're hoping you're pregnant to make you have to walk through the possibility of "what if I'm not pregnant". My prayer has been "Lord, please help me deal with whatever your will is". I'm so thankful for the work the Lord has done in my heart to heal me more and more and open my heart up more and more to the other ways he may grow our family. So when He and I talk through the "what if I'm not pregnant?" question he keeps showing me the hope that is there and that the story doesn't end there. There will be pain, but there will be hope and redemption in the midst of the pain.

Suffering and redemption- good timing for thinking about Easter and all that Jesus went through.

We test on Tuesday. What the heck is the result gonna be? This has been crazy and I'm ready to get off this rollercoaster. I told my hubby last week I just wish we could fast forward a few years and see what's going to happen, see what God's plan is and how all this turns out. How will God build our family? I'm sure whatever way he chooses for us will be part of a grand story of his hope, his love and his redemption. And although this is really painful and so hard to go through, I'm humbled to be part of this story and I pray above all that He is glorified through all this.


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