Monday, February 14, 2011

Trying again

In my last couple posts I sort of vaguely alluded to some big decisions we've been talking through and thinking over. I didn't want to write anything else on here until we had made some actual decisions so that I didn't speak prematurely. Here's how it went-

For some reason the idea of foster care came back in to my mind one day in January. The first time we considered it was probably about a year ago. That time we went as far as attending an orientation for a Christian agency here in the Phoenix area. Background info- at that time we had not gotten pregnant yet, had been told by one specialist that $15,000+ IVF was our only option, and we seriously wondered if we would EVER have our own baby. So our pursuit into foster care didn't go on too long until I just broke down in a weepy mess telling my husband "I just want our own baby!" We stopped looking in to foster care at that point and instead looked for a different specialist who would give us a second opinion. So because of how that experience went I sorta walked away with weird feelings toward the option of foster care and didn't think it was something that would appeal to me ever again.

In thinking back on it I realized that at that point I was looking at some very limited options and I thought I had to pick one and that was going to be my one option for children for the rest of my life: IVF, foster care, adoption or no kids. Since a lot has happened in the year since I last considered foster care, namely actually becoming pregnant, I now see it as more of an open option and not just an end in itself. We have very high hopes that I will get pregnant again somehow. So it could be possible that we could do foster care while still trying to get pregnant. And since we don't know how God wants to grow our family, it could turn out that we would adopt one of the foster babies or that we'd conceive our own child- or both! Who knows!!!! To sum it all up- I was surprised to realize how open I was to it again and how my feelings and approach to it had really changed. What I know is that I strongly desire to be a mother and so, if not to our own children, then I'd love to bless and love on some poor little babies whose parents are not making good choices about caring for their children and themselves.

But.....while processing all of that it also brought up the topic of trying another IUI (intrauterine insemination- aka the way we miraculously got pregnant the last time!). The licensing process for foster care takes about 4-6 months. So in my mind, where I plan everything out to the T and constantly think through a million options of how things could work, I thought, "Well why don't we start the foster care licensing process and in that time we can also try another IUI and see what the outcome is. If we get pregnant then we'll end the licensing process and if we don't get pregnant then we'll continue on through the foster care process and have a little foster baby in our home in a few months." My husband, however, was NOT keen on that idea of pursuing both at the same time. "One at a time. Pick one" he said. And from the bottom of my heart (with a desire for foster care still in there too) that so longs for our own baby, our own flesh and blood, another miracle inside me,  I said "IUI". If I have to pick one first then I pick IUI.

We talked it over and thought it through on our own and then just let some time pass on it all and I journaled and prayed a bunch. And then an opportunity opened up for the financial part (of IUI) to get worked out. That was one of the biggest factors that prevented us from making the decision with freedom. Then the green light was there and we were sorta like "Whoa". Ryan asked me that night "Are you excited?" I sat on the couch sorta stunned feeling and said "No. I'm freaking out. If it doesn't work that's gonna really suck and I'll be afraid I can't ever get pregnant again. And if it DOES work I'll be freaked out that I'm gonna lose another baby."

So tomorrow we have an appointment at the fertility clinic- the place I did NOT think I'd ever return to. Sigh. I have such mixed emotions because in general I do have more hope than I ever did before that we can pregnant again. But on the other hand it seemed so, so crazy that our very first IUI worked that there's just something dumb inside me that says now it can't work again, like there's no way we could have that miracle twice. But that's obviously completely removed from having faith in a God who works miracles and who defies odds. He can do it. He did it before. I don't know why he doesn't do it for us in normal circumstances. But he can do it.

If it doesn't work I don't know if we'd try a couple more times or move straight to pursue foster care or wait awhile or what. I don't think we can anticipate how we'll feel or what we'll want to do or just what life will hold at that time. With the roller coaster of infertility and baby-loss grief I seldom end up feeling the way I expect that I'm going to feel or experiencing something the way I imagined I would. It usually turns out much, much different. So we'll just wait and see how things turn out. I'll put that "plan ahead" button on pause in my brain and let things roll out as they may.

In other news, we put an offer in on an amazing house today! There was quite the flurry of emails and phone calls and some very stressful and confusing moments with the bank over some stuff they forgot to tell us (Oops. But then it worked out. Aaaah!) and then finally this afternoon everything was pulled together and the offer was submitted. Now this is usually insanely exciting for people, but for this situation it's a bit anti-climactic because it's a short sale and that means we won't be hearing
anything from the bank for 2-4 months. And even then it could end up that we can't work out a deal in our price range and things fall through. Then we'd have to start the process all over, and by that point we'd be very close to when our apartment lease ends and we'd be up against the clock. We are totally praying and hoping that it all goes well and that the house becomes ours!

We're trying not to let ourselves get all attached to this house, but I think we already are! It's beautiful, unique, move-in ready, and close to both my sister and my brother and good friends. It has a big backyard that's a blank slate. Living in an apartment that faces a parking lot has drained my backyard-loving soul! The house is
amazing but I am crazy excited to finally have a yard with dirt that we can put our hands into and create something green and gorgeous and peaceful :) We're dreaming of a fire pit, a great garden, some citrus trees, some drought-tolerate desert stuff, BBQing, grass for kiddos to frolic here we go imagining ourselves living there and getting all excited about it!! Oh boy. It's gonna be a long couple months.

We actually were so consumed with submitting the offer on the house today that I didn't even remember our appointment at the fertility clinic tomorrow until my husband was heading to bed tonight. Yikes! Glad I didn't totally space it!

I'll make sure to let you all know what our game plan is with the IUI after talking with our doctor tomorrow. Thanks for following our journey

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