Christmas ups and downs

It's been awhile since my last post. Just didn't have much to share, or nothing new to say I guess. Now we're getting pretty close to Christmas, thing are busy as they always seem to get around this time of year, and I thought I'd pull some thoughts together on here.
 
We're a fresh-Christmas-tree family, so we headed over to Home Depot the first week of December and got us this nice little tree. Last year our tree was a bit large for our apartment, or for the ceiling I guess. We had to cut several inches off the top and yet the star was still scrunched up against the ceiling, a bit crooked if I remember too. It's a fun memory. This year the tree is the perfect height and fits nicely next to the fire place. What I like about this tree are these funny random little branches that stick out here and there (like a real tree is supposed to have) that must have been hiding when the chain saw shaped this tree into it's Christmas tree shape. Once we got it home and gave it a day to relax and let loose a bit, they came popping out. And so they were the perfect place to put these adorable little clip-on birds (photo forthcoming) who look like they were just flitting by and decided to land on these nice little branch-perches :)

My favorite thing to do at Christmas is simply sit on the couch with my hubby, turn on the Christmas lights, turn off all the other lights, play some Christmas tunes and snuggle and enjoy the magical, twinkly glow. Ever since I was little that's been my favorite thing (ok, minus the snuggling with my husband part, since that only came into the picture 2 years ago). It's the ultimate relax, unwind, soak up the moment, enjoy what's happening type of experience for me. So, we've been trying to do lots of that, with some of my hubby's hot chocolate with peppermint schnapp's and various sugary treats added in. Mmmm!

Last weekend we went to see Handel's Messiah. This is our tradition in the making, as this is our second year to attend. We hope to go each year if possible. It's held at various locations each year and this year we got tickets for the performance at St. Mary's Basilica in downtown Phoenix. I classically mis-read the directions for downtown and had Ryan driving us in the complete opposite direction for awhile, thus we got there just in the nick of time and had to sit in the very back. I was very frustrated at myself because this meant we couldn't see any of the orchestra, save for the occasional violin bow poking up in to the air. Ryan had to tell me multiple times to stop complaining about this situation and just enjoy it. And I did. Since we couldn't see the orchestra (we could however see the choir just fine so that was nice) what really made the experience great was the church. This place was amazing!!! It's the oldest Catholic church in Phoenix, at 100 years old. The domed ceilings and soaring Roman columns were awe-inspiring (statues of Jesus and various saints: sorta creepy, but oh well). Take a look:

It didn't feel like something you'd encounter in Phoenix so it felt like we were somewhere else for awhile. It was the perfect setting for music such as Messiah. I always cry at the chorus to "For unto us a child is born":  "Wonderful Counselor, Almighty God, the Everlasting Father, the Prince of Peace!!!" It has such a powerful build up and then it just explodes in praise to Jesus! To top off the night perfectly, just as we walked out the doors of the church the bells rang out nine o'clock. A church with real bells that really chime on each hour! Imagine that in Phoenix!!

As you may suspect by now, if you've been reading the last few blog entries, you'll know that I think about our baby all the time. Still. So, even during the warmth and festivities and Advent reflections of Christmas, the sadness and grief and loss are with me. I got several books from the library recently about dealing with pregnancy loss and it helped to read about the grieving process and what can be "typical" experiences in that. They say that the bulk of the grieving takes place in the first year. And they describe the process as being more like a spiral at times that can take you forward, but then spin you right back to where you started, but then take you forward again, and so on. It's just not a methodical, calculated, one foot in front of the other each day type of process. And that's been my experience. It's always interesting to read something that so clearly captures exactly what you've been experiencing, thinking, feeling. Parts of some books have done that, but especially blogs of other baby-loss moms and other accounts of pregnancy and infant loss. It helps us all know that we're not going crazy because we're all experiencing so much of the same feelings and thoughts. But it's too sad that there are so many women out there who share this experience. Too, too many.

But my point in bringing this up is that as I've gotten reconnected with friends at church and gotten a few messages from some dear ladies I am asked the question "How are you doing?" It's always very sensitive and with emphasis like "how are you really doing" and comes from women who genuinely want to care for me in this area. I feel loved by that question and so appreciate their reaching out with those words. But I'm realizing that I just have the same answer to that question over and over, even close to three months later. I usually say that it has it's ups and downs. Our lives are carrying on, but it's steadily here, part of everything I do.

I don't know when I'll have a different answer to that question. It's hard and it's sad and my heart hurts so badly and it's constantly on my mind. It's not "getting better" or starting to fade away. Part of me still isn't ready for it to fade and I don't think actually that it will ever feel better. So as long as these friends are willing to ask that question, I'll keep giving them my honest answer, even if it's the same answer for a long time.

Sundays are especially hard for me. I guess it's the pregnant ladies in the group, the parents kissing on their little ones, announcements of new pregnancies etc. This past Sunday Chris preached about Mary and Elizabeth's pregnancies and I was surprised that there was a little twinge in my heart. I guess any time the word pregnant pops up, even if it's part of a Bible story, my heart aches a bit. Standing right in front of us were two fathers holding their littles, who were sweetly resting their heads on their daddy's shoulders. Ryan asked me last night how I had felt during church, knowing these different things were going on. When I asked him the same question he said that was hard for him to see those dads. It made him think of our baby.

And that's the part of the spiral that takes me right back to the sad place. The gaping loss. The constant reminder of what was and what is not any longer. We want our baby back.

So, to pull together the different pieces of this post- we're really enjoying the Christmas season, taking time to soak it up and celebrate the depth of the Advent together- and through it all our baby is on our minds. Almost three months and it's all still very present with us.

Carrie

Thanksgiving

Ryan and I spent Thanksgiving with his family up north in Show Low. Since I'm such a desert girl I was overjoyed that there was snow! There wasn't much, but to me it was beautiful and amazing. I was like a little kid looking out the car window, pointing, squealing and getting so excited. To Ryan it was not exciting because he lived in that, but it makes him happy to watch me have fun with it :)

The time with his family was good and we had lots of yummy food. Ryan's two sister's have both lost babies, one of them within this last year, so they're very understanding about our loss and open to talking about it. It's good in a way to have it out there in the open and not have it be the taboo subject. His sister who had a miscarriage this past year is now pregnant again, 13 weeks and finally starting to feel like she can enjoy the pregnancy more and not be so worried about another miscarriage. She talked about how having a miscarriage steals that joy from you in your next pregnancy. My sister is also pregnant- 11 weeks now I believe- and she has experienced the same thing. It's interesting to learn that from them and watch them go through these pregnancies and see how the miscarriage casts that shadow over what would normally be so joyful and exciting.

Our baby was of course on my mind all day and I really felt like there was someone missing- the little someone who would have been in my tummy. With these other babies expected in our families just a couple months after when I would have been due, it's hard to think about what would have been- sharing the pregnancies together and seeing the little baby cousins together.

Since we're trying again we did have hopes for a fun Thanksgiving announcement to our family, but no baby for us this month. But we have hope for the future, so we press on!

We're already geared up for Christmas with decorations and music and yummy treats. It's a welcome distraction from the humdrum of the everyday, and something to help turn my mind from the monotony that sadness can be. I haven't quite formed the thoughts fully yet but I've recognized that there's something that feels different for me about the expectation over Jesus' birth this year than any time before. I think it's coming from the intense longing that's already in me for the baby we lost and for the baby we hope for. So that deep, long yearning is a familiar feeling when I think of our "long expected Jesus". Those feelings of expectation and hope and yearning are the air I breathe- for a baby, yes, but I see how those same feelings can be funneled toward the coming of Jesus too. It wasn't just the Jews who were longing for a King and Savior waaaay back then. I feel that longing and deepest need today, now. So there's a new excitement in me as I walk through the Advent season and anticipate anew the day Jesus came in to this earth.

Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.

Carrie

"Miss you everyday"

There's this song by a group called Watermark. The song is called "Glory Baby" and they wrote it after losing a baby to miscarriage.  I've had their album with this song for a long time but I'd always skip past it because it was sad and it wasn't anything I related to. But now I know that sadness intimately and this song runs through my head constantly. And I do..."miss you everyday".

Listen here (just wait for the page to load then it starts to play) 

Glory Baby

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby...
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby...
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you… 

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do 

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would… 

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Here again?

Last week we went back to see my ob/gyn to follow up on the miscarriage. So the week before that I went back to the fertility clinic to request my records be sent to my ob/gyn. Every part of going back to that place was strange (even though I loved our doctor there and we had a wonderful experience). Pulling in to the parking lot, opening the front door, seeing the other women seated in the waiting room, talking to the receptionist, walking back out. I thought we were finished with that place. I had certainly thought and wished that we'd never have to go back there again. The last time we were there I was so newly pregnant, getting my blood checked for the second time with these great super high HCG levels, with the nurse in amazement that I was pregnant after just one IUI. We had walked out those doors with this unspoken sense of finality. It had worked! We were pregnant! We were finally outside that awful world of infertility. We were on the other side at last. Pregnant!

But then there I was. Just three months later. Not pregnant anymore. And starting all over.

I had forgotten how that place felt. It's like every person there is holding their breath. Suspense and hope hang so heavy. It made my chest ache. Oh God I don't want to be another one of the women sitting in these chairs- again, full of anticipation, questions, pain and just hoping and hoping and hoping that something will work- that a baby will come. It made all of me feel so tired to just remember it and feel it again.

I requested the records and left, wanting to quickly shake that heaviness.

So then last week was the ob/gyn appointment and I had so many of the same feelings going back there. I had found that doctor just a few months after we were married and we had been trying maybe two months. I was suspecting endometriosis and already questioning our ability to get pregnant based on the charting of my cycles I had started doing when I was still single. The dr confirmed the endometriosis at my first appointment and scheduled me for surgery the next week. "Your chances of getting pregnant are even higher right after the surgery!" he had tried to encourage us. I wish doctors didn't even say things like that.

I did NOT get pregnant right after that, obviously, and we officially started down the road of infertility treatment in the following months. I was on an ovulation drug for five months/cycles, still charting my temperatures and symptoms every day, wondering and fearing what would be next. After those five cycles my doctor just said "There's nothing else I can do. You've reached the end of what I can do for you." Whew- that hit hard. Now what?

So the last time we had left that office we were a bit numb and feeling really disappointed. We were moving on to the next stage and I didn't think we'd have reason to return to that doctor again.

(More hard, crazy stuff happened after that, but eventually God led us to the fertility specialist that I really liked.)

Going back to both offices was like: "We're here again?" Seriously? For reals? Did someone just hit the repeat button? This feels all too familiar, but with a new pain, a new disappointment, but also a new hope. At least this time around we know that it is actually possible for me to get pregnant. That had been the huge looming question through everything before. So now we have two new looming questions: Can I get pregnant again? and- Can I have a full-term pregnancy and deliver a healthy baby?

We decided to really start all over and go back to my ob/gyn instead of heading straight back to the fertility specialist. Mostly because we're hoping that we can just get pregnant on our own, with maybe just a little help from some medications. And secondly, we can't afford to do infertility treatment again for awhile, especially with all the bills coming in from my two ER visits ("visits"- as if it was a hotel or something! It sounds so casual and enjoyable, like a "visit" to the zoo or something. Ug.)

So yes, here we are again. It feels different than before in some ways, but other things are so dreadfully familiar. Am I braver? Stronger? Is my heart harder in a way, to just try and get through this? I don't know. All I do know is we're ready to keep going forward and so we're taking the next steps. And that does not deny or minimize the fact that our hearts are still broken and that we are still mourning the loss of our first child. Even as we go forward with trying again, I think about my baby every day, all throughout the day.

In talking with friends who have experienced miscarriage and are trying again or successfully had children I am learning how those two things- grieving for your baby who died and hoping and trying for more children- are strangely able to co-exist and they don't minimize each other. Both things are able to be special and treasured and hold a place in my heart.

I could go on and on about this topic- "Are we here again?"- because that is true in spiritual matters and life experiences too (at least it is for me!). That thing you went through and those hard lessons you learned and you surely thought you really "got" that one and moved on....only to experience something else years later and have those same feelings, struggles, sins, and questions come flying right back out of your heart. "I'm back here again?" Or that trial, that suffering, that wounding you went through and how God led you through that and ministered to you and you really felt freed and walking in healing from the Lord...only to have such a similar pain and injury to your heart all over again, maybe several times again. And you're just reeling and thinking "I'm here again?"

Something in me, maybe some Christian-culture type of thing, wants to write something nice and comforting here that sorta wraps all this up with meaning and purpose. But honestly that doesn't feel real to where I'm at right now. I don't even know what I'd write if I were to try and say something like that. So for now that question hangs there, along with all the other questions. God knows them all. That's comforting to me in a way. And that's enough right now.

Carrie