Tonight I shared my "life story" in the new small group we're part of. When I got to the part about losing our baby I totally lost it. I was surprised at myself and I think Ryan was surprised too. A few reasons why: I sorta never cry in front of other people. Not that I stifle it, but I just sorta am able to keep it together usually. Also, I realized I hadn't talked about that experience as a "story" in a really long time. Explaining all the events all together was really emotional. I haven't cried over it in a while. And also.....I realized how much I miss that little one. I'm so excited about our soon-coming-child that I guess I don't think about our other baby as much as I used to. (That makes me sad to realize that.) But talking about them in the context of my entire life and everything that we went through- it was just really sad and I felt so sharply that longing to have them with us right now. I wish the baby we're expecting through adoption was going to be kiddo #2 in this house. I wish they could grow up together...that we could all be together here.
Oh precious one how we miss you! We're so thankful for those 8 short weeks we had with you. Our hearts break all over again wishing you were here. You changed our lives forever. In my heart you'll always be "our first baby". I can't wait to meet you in our forever home. Your Mama and Papa love you so much.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
wishing i had news
So I haven't written in awhile because I was really hoping my next post would be a fun announcement about a birth-family choosing us.....but instead we're now 4 weeks in to waiting to hear back about a particular birth-family who were given our profile by our agency. 4 weeks ago we got a call from our case worker that our profile was being presented to a birth-family and that we'd hear soon if they wanted to take the next step of meeting us. But.....4 weeks and still no word. We haven't been sharing that particular bit of info very widely so I had hesitated to write anything on here. But now that we've been waiting 4 weeks I sorta feel like ah what the heck I'll share!
Since we've never been through this before we don't know what "normal" is, so maybe 4 weeks is no biggie to wait to hear if a birth-family wants to meet you or not....but it's been feeling like a pretty long wait. Each week our case worker says "one more week" and then it just keeps stretching out. I would so much rather not know that they are even considering us and just get the call that someone has chosen us and wants to meet us. We know some details about the birth-parents and the baby and that made it all very personal and so specific and really hard to not get our hopes up.
This process is such an emotional rollercoaster that I now think no one can really prepare you for such an experience. Everyone's story is different so having expectations is pointless. There are so many steps and so many things that can possibly happen. This family could choose to meet us, and then not choose us as the adoptive parents. Or they could choose us as the parents and then change their minds at about a million other points along the way. Anything can happen!!!! Control freaks beware! This experience will completely unravel you! You have ZERO control over what happens. All you can do is trust the Lord and let things play out as he wills. You can't control the birth-parents' decisions or the timing with the agency or anything!
Suffice it to say I'm really glad that we can enjoy the distraction of Christmas right now so that we're not just totally focused and obsessed about hearing from these birth-parents. It has also been helpful to put ourselves in their shoes (in the very limited way that our minds are able to do that) and to think of what an insanely difficult decision this is and that it's not something that can be rushed and that I would also want to really take my time in choosing my child's parents and it's really just so selfish of us to be impatient about that.
Hopefully we'll hear at least something by next week and we'll know what direction this is going in next. And if this isn't our baby then it's ok because we know that he or she is still out there and it'll just be a little longer until the Lord brings them home to us.
Carrie
Since we've never been through this before we don't know what "normal" is, so maybe 4 weeks is no biggie to wait to hear if a birth-family wants to meet you or not....but it's been feeling like a pretty long wait. Each week our case worker says "one more week" and then it just keeps stretching out. I would so much rather not know that they are even considering us and just get the call that someone has chosen us and wants to meet us. We know some details about the birth-parents and the baby and that made it all very personal and so specific and really hard to not get our hopes up.
This process is such an emotional rollercoaster that I now think no one can really prepare you for such an experience. Everyone's story is different so having expectations is pointless. There are so many steps and so many things that can possibly happen. This family could choose to meet us, and then not choose us as the adoptive parents. Or they could choose us as the parents and then change their minds at about a million other points along the way. Anything can happen!!!! Control freaks beware! This experience will completely unravel you! You have ZERO control over what happens. All you can do is trust the Lord and let things play out as he wills. You can't control the birth-parents' decisions or the timing with the agency or anything!
Suffice it to say I'm really glad that we can enjoy the distraction of Christmas right now so that we're not just totally focused and obsessed about hearing from these birth-parents. It has also been helpful to put ourselves in their shoes (in the very limited way that our minds are able to do that) and to think of what an insanely difficult decision this is and that it's not something that can be rushed and that I would also want to really take my time in choosing my child's parents and it's really just so selfish of us to be impatient about that.
Hopefully we'll hear at least something by next week and we'll know what direction this is going in next. And if this isn't our baby then it's ok because we know that he or she is still out there and it'll just be a little longer until the Lord brings them home to us.
Carrie
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
the honest truth
Here's a re-post from a blog I've read a bit by a girl who pretty much has the same story as us. Her honesty is so helpful, especially as she's farther down the road than I am and is dealing with the realities of an open adoption, which we also hope to have. This is really helpful for me to hear- to know that I'm normal in my grief- and I thought it could be a helpful perspective for you to hear as well- whether you're in the same place as I am or you're just in the supporting community around adoptive families.
What I Need You to Know
This isn’t easy for me. Adoption is hard. Really hard. Extremely beautiful and wonderful, but hard. I need to tell you at least two things on my mind lately about this: Adoption does not cure infertility.
1) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard well intentioned people say, “You know what they say…once you adopt, then you’ll end up pregnant!”. Yes, I know they SAY that. But can I tell you that statistically about 5% of adoptive couples go on to conceive. I do not struggle with infertility because I am too occupied with getting pregnant. Stress doesn’t cause infertility, infertility causes stress. Our adoption of G does not mean I will end up pregnant. I could get pregnant…but it won’t be because we adopted. Unless you’ve been through infertility hell, you wouldn’t understand so I have grace that people just don’t really know what to say so they say something that sounds encouraging and hopeful.
2) Even though I have G in my arms, I am still grieving. He was not a “fix” for my pain and grief. He is an amazing gift and my heart has never known a love like this, but that isn’t what heals my grief. It helps though. Please understand that adoptive couples still have things they need to mourn whether it be their infertility, the loss of a pregnancy, or the reality that their motherhood/fatherhood is still different than most of their friends in many ways.
Can I be honest with you for a second and let you in on some of the heart-happenings of this adoptive mama?
I still feel very sad at times. Sad that I don’t have pregnancy stories, I didn’t feel my boy kicking, I wasn’t able to nurse him, and that I didn’t give birth to my own son.
I have moments of anger. Anger over losing a child, that we somehow couldn’t conceive again, that it seems so easy for everyone else, that I wasn’t there for my child’s birth, and that I have to share him unlike most mothers I know.
I’m jealous.
I’m scared. Scared that I’ll fail, that open adoption will be too hard and I’ll never feel 100% secure, that maybe my love for G is lacking because I didn’t carry his first 9 months of existence, that he’ll love her more than me, that I will end up pregnant and G will feel “less than”, or that I’ll miss out on everything extraordinary about the mysteries of adoption and what it can teach me about being God’s child.
I stand on the affirmation that my emotions are very real and normal for where I’m at right now. I realize that my fears are typical of mamas who adopt and probably won’t ever be true. And I trust that God grafted our family together perfectly, that G being my son is no accident, and that His plan has turned out better than anything I could have schemed up.
I love G with every fiber of my being. Some days are still so surreal that I can only praise the One who made me his mommy! I absolutely adore him and that makes enduring even the messy parts of this journey worth it.
All for the glory of my God.
What I Need You to Know
This isn’t easy for me. Adoption is hard. Really hard. Extremely beautiful and wonderful, but hard. I need to tell you at least two things on my mind lately about this: Adoption does not cure infertility.
1) I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard well intentioned people say, “You know what they say…once you adopt, then you’ll end up pregnant!”. Yes, I know they SAY that. But can I tell you that statistically about 5% of adoptive couples go on to conceive. I do not struggle with infertility because I am too occupied with getting pregnant. Stress doesn’t cause infertility, infertility causes stress. Our adoption of G does not mean I will end up pregnant. I could get pregnant…but it won’t be because we adopted. Unless you’ve been through infertility hell, you wouldn’t understand so I have grace that people just don’t really know what to say so they say something that sounds encouraging and hopeful.
2) Even though I have G in my arms, I am still grieving. He was not a “fix” for my pain and grief. He is an amazing gift and my heart has never known a love like this, but that isn’t what heals my grief. It helps though. Please understand that adoptive couples still have things they need to mourn whether it be their infertility, the loss of a pregnancy, or the reality that their motherhood/fatherhood is still different than most of their friends in many ways.
Can I be honest with you for a second and let you in on some of the heart-happenings of this adoptive mama?
I still feel very sad at times. Sad that I don’t have pregnancy stories, I didn’t feel my boy kicking, I wasn’t able to nurse him, and that I didn’t give birth to my own son.
I have moments of anger. Anger over losing a child, that we somehow couldn’t conceive again, that it seems so easy for everyone else, that I wasn’t there for my child’s birth, and that I have to share him unlike most mothers I know.
I’m jealous.
I’m scared. Scared that I’ll fail, that open adoption will be too hard and I’ll never feel 100% secure, that maybe my love for G is lacking because I didn’t carry his first 9 months of existence, that he’ll love her more than me, that I will end up pregnant and G will feel “less than”, or that I’ll miss out on everything extraordinary about the mysteries of adoption and what it can teach me about being God’s child.
I stand on the affirmation that my emotions are very real and normal for where I’m at right now. I realize that my fears are typical of mamas who adopt and probably won’t ever be true. And I trust that God grafted our family together perfectly, that G being my son is no accident, and that His plan has turned out better than anything I could have schemed up.
I love G with every fiber of my being. Some days are still so surreal that I can only praise the One who made me his mommy! I absolutely adore him and that makes enduring even the messy parts of this journey worth it.
All for the glory of my God.
Friday, November 4, 2011
A post about the conference- finally
We attended the Together for Adoption Conference last month and ya.....I never wrote a post about it. I had so many thoughts and convictions and we learned so much and my heart was so impacted- but I just don't feel like it's something I'm going to pour out on here. It's stuff that's still going on between me and the Lord, ya know? So instead I thought I'd post some of the great resources that came out of the conference. And- I'll mention that the majority of the teaching at the conference was focused on our adoption in Christ and the beauty of the Gospel viewed through that lens. The break out sessions were more focused on specific, practical adoption issues. So overall we thought it was a great balance of great Gospel teaching by some stellar preachers and some real nuts and bolts about issues in adoption we will most likely deal with.
Here is a great summary of a break-out session about trans-racial adoption by Vermon Pierre, pastor of Roosevelt Community Church here in Phoenix and adoptive dad-
Trans-racial adoption: Vermon Pierre
There were several videos they showed of a few families' adoption stories and others that hi-lighted work among orphans in certain countries and I'm pretty sure every single one of them made me cry. This one in particluar speaks so much beautiful gospel-truth!
Stewart Family adoption story video
This guy was a great note taker! There were several "feature bloggers" who I guess it was their whole job just to take really good notes and form them in to blog posts. So thankful they did that because my own notes lagged a bit at times. Here he links to his notes from all the main sessions- the ones with the really stellar preachers I mentioned earlier. Such good stuff!!
Main session notes
Carrie
Trans-racial adoption: Vermon Pierre
There were several videos they showed of a few families' adoption stories and others that hi-lighted work among orphans in certain countries and I'm pretty sure every single one of them made me cry. This one in particluar speaks so much beautiful gospel-truth!
Stewart Family adoption story video
This guy was a great note taker! There were several "feature bloggers" who I guess it was their whole job just to take really good notes and form them in to blog posts. So thankful they did that because my own notes lagged a bit at times. Here he links to his notes from all the main sessions- the ones with the really stellar preachers I mentioned earlier. Such good stuff!!
Main session notes
Carrie
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