The ultrasound yesterday showed that everything looked good so they scheduled us for the IUI tomorrow- Tuesday. Will you flood tomorrow with prayers for a miracle? Every single part of this is in the Lord's hands. He is the author of life. Please beg him with us for the grand miraculous gift of a baby.
Starting tomorrow we will start the crazy two-week countdown until we can take a pregnancy test. We can't test any sooner than two weeks due to the hormone injection that my hubby had to give me last night that causes the egg(s) to be released. Those hormones will automatically cause a false positive if we try to test before the two weeks is up. It will take two weeks for that to get out of my system and let my own hormones kick in, plus if conception did occur then obviously you have to allow time for implantation and for the pregnancy hormones to start going to give you a positive pregnancy test.
So- two looooong weeks before we know anything!
As I've shared before we are very very hopeful about God's power in this situation, but we know it may not be his plan either. So we're open to whatever happens and will see what the Lord leads us to do after wards if it didn't work. Please pray tomorrow and over the next two weeks.
Thanks for praying with us!
Carrie
Monday, March 7, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
God moves in a mysterious way
This song has been ministering to my soul for years now through various trials and heartaches. John Piper preached on this hymn in one of his sermons as well (sorry- can't remember which one now) and that really planted the truths even more deeply into my heart. If my heart could write a song in times like this, this would be it. Every single verse resonates so deeply and so significantly with my heart's journey with the Lord. This is what I long to believe to the core of who I am through every circumstance. I want to be able to say through and through "Yes God I know this is who you are and I trust you!"
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm
Deep in unsearchable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds you so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings, in blessings
In blessings on your head
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
But trust Him for His grace
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face
His purposes will ripen fast
Unfolding every hour
The bud may have a bitter taste
But sweet will be the flower
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain
God is His own interpreter
And He will make it plain
In His own time
In His own way...
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm
Deep in unsearchable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take
The clouds you so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings, in blessings
In blessings on your head
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense
But trust Him for His grace
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face
His purposes will ripen fast
Unfolding every hour
The bud may have a bitter taste
But sweet will be the flower
Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain
God is His own interpreter
And He will make it plain
In His own time
In His own way...
HOPE
Sorry it's been awhile since my last post (and because of that this one turned out very very long). The next steps for the IUI are coming right up here. This week I've been on the ovulation meds (same ones I've taken lots of times before so nothing new with that really). On Sunday I'll go to the clinic for an internal ultrasound where they'll check out the follicles to see if the eggs are good and ready. (Yes, the clinic is open on weekends because women's cycles don't take weekends off!) If all goes like it did last time then the follicles will look great on Sunday, we'll do the trigger shot on Monday and they'll schedule us for the IUI on Tuesday. It's a very simple process really so there's not much to it. Last time I definitely had the feeling after wards like "That was it?" It wasn't a big deal, just lots and lots of anticipation and then the big 2 week wait. Ug. Makes my stomach flop just to think about that part.
But God has been so gracious this week and I am confident that his grace is going to just keep covering me and holding my little heart through this. Last time I expected to be such a complete nervous wreck through the 2 week wait and God totally surprised me by lifting me above that anxiety and carrying me. It was a total supernatural thing because I knew on my own I was just a ball of nerves and worries and fears. Not that I wasn't nervous at times, but I could sense him with me and I was ok. As long as I can feel him with me, I'm ok.
So like I said, this week God's grace has been tangible and obvious to me. Last Sunday I didn't go to church because I was having such horrible cramps. But while my dear sweet husband was there he thought to ask our pastor if we could meet with him and the other elders and have them pray over me in James 5:24 style "Is anyone among you sick? Then he must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord." Our pastor was excited about the opportunity and told us to come to the elder's meeting on Tuesday night. So we did and I was so blessed. Our pastor had me share our story with the guys first, then he anointed me with oil and those seven men prayed over me earnestly and tenderly, pleading with the Lord to open my womb and grant us a child.
That night stirred up a lot of thoughts in my head. The Lord began showing me more of a wide angle view of our "story" as a couple and his sovereignty in bringing us together and sustaining us through these trials. Every couple has their unique story. Ours includes enduring the pain of infertility and losing our first child in our first two years of marriage (along with some other very trying and painful experiences that I won't go in to here). Those aren't just chance experiences. God has allowed us to walk through these valleys and has used these experiences like a chisel on our hearts, on our marriage- on every part of us really. We can argue theologically till the cows come home if God caused these things or allowed these things or if those are just really two sides of the same coin....bottom line is that he is sovereign and that everything has been part of his plan for us and absolutely everything has been for our good and he has acted out of his goodness toward us. (I don't think I could have said those words even just last month. God's grace is on me to be able to believe these things again.)
All of this is part of something huge and it's going somewhere. This is our story and it's not over yet. The story doesn't end at the death of our baby. We are being carried along in God's plan and there's more to come. Do you sense the hope that's there?
A few months ago I did not see hope there. All I could see was that so many bad things had happened and when I looked at the future all I saw was more bad things continuing to happen. God has brought light to that now.
So I feel like God has given me a panoramic view of what could be. I'm afraid my dream of having our own children will not come true. That's my biggest fear. But then the Lord plants the thought "What if God's plan, although different from mine, could still bring exponential joy and purpose and beauty and redemption?" He may want to fill our family with children in ways that I really can't fathom still. God's goodness for us may be much different from how we want his goodness to look. And surrendering my dream could be one of the most painful things I ever have to do. I know that God does not deny the pain and sacrifice that would entail. But for the first time I am able to see a glimpse of the hope and joy that could be possible in a different future than I ever imagined for myself.
These are things I knew mentally all along. Theologically I could agree with these ideas. But my heart did not want to believe them. The pain was so searing it was as if I could not believe them. I didn't even want to think about the possibility of surrendering my dream of biological children for a different future. And I didn't want to accept the fact that God could work through my pain and loss to still bring me a future of great hope and redemption. The thoughts were sorta floating out there but I couldn't bring myself to process through those possibilities.
Oh how kind and patient and tender my Jesus is!!!! Look at how he has been leading me slowly, step by step, week by week, so tenderly building my heart and my faith back up, slowly slowly speaking these truths over me and pouring a waterfall of his grace over me to be able to say yes to him again. It's small and quiet and slow and gentle. I have not arrived at 100% (no one ever does anyway). It's always a journey and there will always be growth and then loss and faith and then struggle. But there's hope again and light in my future because of Jesus!
I've thought a lot about the process of grief and faith and loss and doubt and how this whole timeline actually plays out with God. If right after our miscarriage someone had come to me and said "Ok now you need to surrender your dream of children to the Lord and just give that to God and be ok with adoption or not having kids" I would have said NO WAY. It wasn't the right time for my heart yet and God had not led me to that place of surrender yet. That's the key: it has been God who has led me through every stage and step and place of this journey through grief and loss and disappointment. I couldn't hurry or rush any of it. He knows the time my heart needs for healing and growth and trust- for surrender and abandon. He doesn't demand surrender from my bruised and broken heart and my crushed spirit. He leads me to that place ever so gently and lovingly because he knows my frame and that I'm just dust. He doesn't just want my empty hands. He wants my heart. And he wants me healed and whole and full of hope again. So he'll take the time to carry me along, build me back up, sing over me, and whisper his truths to me in ways that I can finally accept it.
Even with all that said- I'm not fully there yet and I don't sense that God is asking that of us yet. That day might come, and I could face it with much more hope than I ever could have before- but that day isn't here yet. So for now we're still asking for a miracle!
The words "audacious hope" have been stuck in my head for weeks now as I think about our upcoming IUI.
Previously I tried not to hope too much (which never really worked!) because I so despised the crash of disappointment. It even felt like having hope was embarrassing. "Keep expectations low and then if things don't work out then it's not such a big deal." But no matter how much I tried to tell myself that or act like that, hope was always there, even if just a smoldering little flame.
Now God has given me lots of hope and I want to embrace it as fully as possible!! I think of all the stories in Scripture about impossible situations, giants in the land, death, armies advancing etc etc.... and God always called for a hope that was so big it just flew in the face of any obstacle and challenge! So I want to have an audacious hope that dares to believe that God CAN do a miracle in a situation that feels impossible! That's what our elders prayed for and that's what we are believing God for as well. It may not be God's plan this time or ever, but we don't know that yet- and so I really do think it honors God in this situation to ask him boldly and really believe in faith for his miracle of a baby for us. So please pray big and bold for us too!
I'll update again soon once we know when the actual IUI will be. Thanks for being part of this journey with us. We feel strength from your prayers and support.
Carrie
But God has been so gracious this week and I am confident that his grace is going to just keep covering me and holding my little heart through this. Last time I expected to be such a complete nervous wreck through the 2 week wait and God totally surprised me by lifting me above that anxiety and carrying me. It was a total supernatural thing because I knew on my own I was just a ball of nerves and worries and fears. Not that I wasn't nervous at times, but I could sense him with me and I was ok. As long as I can feel him with me, I'm ok.
So like I said, this week God's grace has been tangible and obvious to me. Last Sunday I didn't go to church because I was having such horrible cramps. But while my dear sweet husband was there he thought to ask our pastor if we could meet with him and the other elders and have them pray over me in James 5:24 style "Is anyone among you sick? Then he must call for the elders of the church and they are to pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord." Our pastor was excited about the opportunity and told us to come to the elder's meeting on Tuesday night. So we did and I was so blessed. Our pastor had me share our story with the guys first, then he anointed me with oil and those seven men prayed over me earnestly and tenderly, pleading with the Lord to open my womb and grant us a child.
That night stirred up a lot of thoughts in my head. The Lord began showing me more of a wide angle view of our "story" as a couple and his sovereignty in bringing us together and sustaining us through these trials. Every couple has their unique story. Ours includes enduring the pain of infertility and losing our first child in our first two years of marriage (along with some other very trying and painful experiences that I won't go in to here). Those aren't just chance experiences. God has allowed us to walk through these valleys and has used these experiences like a chisel on our hearts, on our marriage- on every part of us really. We can argue theologically till the cows come home if God caused these things or allowed these things or if those are just really two sides of the same coin....bottom line is that he is sovereign and that everything has been part of his plan for us and absolutely everything has been for our good and he has acted out of his goodness toward us. (I don't think I could have said those words even just last month. God's grace is on me to be able to believe these things again.)
All of this is part of something huge and it's going somewhere. This is our story and it's not over yet. The story doesn't end at the death of our baby. We are being carried along in God's plan and there's more to come. Do you sense the hope that's there?
A few months ago I did not see hope there. All I could see was that so many bad things had happened and when I looked at the future all I saw was more bad things continuing to happen. God has brought light to that now.
So I feel like God has given me a panoramic view of what could be. I'm afraid my dream of having our own children will not come true. That's my biggest fear. But then the Lord plants the thought "What if God's plan, although different from mine, could still bring exponential joy and purpose and beauty and redemption?" He may want to fill our family with children in ways that I really can't fathom still. God's goodness for us may be much different from how we want his goodness to look. And surrendering my dream could be one of the most painful things I ever have to do. I know that God does not deny the pain and sacrifice that would entail. But for the first time I am able to see a glimpse of the hope and joy that could be possible in a different future than I ever imagined for myself.
"With what misgivings we turn over our lives to God, imagining somehow that we are about to lose everything that matters. Our hesitancy is like that of a tiny shell on the seashore, afraid to give up the teaspoonful of water it holds lest there not be enough in the ocean to fill it again. Lose your life, said Jesus, and you will find it. Can the shell imagine the depth and plentitude of the ocean? Can you and I fathom the riches, the fullness, of God's love?" ~Elisabeth Elliot The Path of Loneliness
These are things I knew mentally all along. Theologically I could agree with these ideas. But my heart did not want to believe them. The pain was so searing it was as if I could not believe them. I didn't even want to think about the possibility of surrendering my dream of biological children for a different future. And I didn't want to accept the fact that God could work through my pain and loss to still bring me a future of great hope and redemption. The thoughts were sorta floating out there but I couldn't bring myself to process through those possibilities.
Oh how kind and patient and tender my Jesus is!!!! Look at how he has been leading me slowly, step by step, week by week, so tenderly building my heart and my faith back up, slowly slowly speaking these truths over me and pouring a waterfall of his grace over me to be able to say yes to him again. It's small and quiet and slow and gentle. I have not arrived at 100% (no one ever does anyway). It's always a journey and there will always be growth and then loss and faith and then struggle. But there's hope again and light in my future because of Jesus!
I've thought a lot about the process of grief and faith and loss and doubt and how this whole timeline actually plays out with God. If right after our miscarriage someone had come to me and said "Ok now you need to surrender your dream of children to the Lord and just give that to God and be ok with adoption or not having kids" I would have said NO WAY. It wasn't the right time for my heart yet and God had not led me to that place of surrender yet. That's the key: it has been God who has led me through every stage and step and place of this journey through grief and loss and disappointment. I couldn't hurry or rush any of it. He knows the time my heart needs for healing and growth and trust- for surrender and abandon. He doesn't demand surrender from my bruised and broken heart and my crushed spirit. He leads me to that place ever so gently and lovingly because he knows my frame and that I'm just dust. He doesn't just want my empty hands. He wants my heart. And he wants me healed and whole and full of hope again. So he'll take the time to carry me along, build me back up, sing over me, and whisper his truths to me in ways that I can finally accept it.
Even with all that said- I'm not fully there yet and I don't sense that God is asking that of us yet. That day might come, and I could face it with much more hope than I ever could have before- but that day isn't here yet. So for now we're still asking for a miracle!
The words "audacious hope" have been stuck in my head for weeks now as I think about our upcoming IUI.
au·da·cious
1. extremely bold or daring; fearless2. lively; unrestrained; uninhibited
Previously I tried not to hope too much (which never really worked!) because I so despised the crash of disappointment. It even felt like having hope was embarrassing. "Keep expectations low and then if things don't work out then it's not such a big deal." But no matter how much I tried to tell myself that or act like that, hope was always there, even if just a smoldering little flame.
Now God has given me lots of hope and I want to embrace it as fully as possible!! I think of all the stories in Scripture about impossible situations, giants in the land, death, armies advancing etc etc.... and God always called for a hope that was so big it just flew in the face of any obstacle and challenge! So I want to have an audacious hope that dares to believe that God CAN do a miracle in a situation that feels impossible! That's what our elders prayed for and that's what we are believing God for as well. It may not be God's plan this time or ever, but we don't know that yet- and so I really do think it honors God in this situation to ask him boldly and really believe in faith for his miracle of a baby for us. So please pray big and bold for us too!
I'll update again soon once we know when the actual IUI will be. Thanks for being part of this journey with us. We feel strength from your prayers and support.
Carrie
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Perspective
Such delight as we had never tasted of before!!!.....our very own baby conceived together. And now- oh how we long for that delight again! Not to replace that first little love that slipped away so soon, but a new life all it's own. Like spring after the hardest winter, we are asking for that new life to come again. Please God, let it be.
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